So here's the short of it,
It's nice to think that through the course of treatment, I can look forward to so many good days in a row.
And here's the long
Today has been another good day.
My Dad's baby sister, my Aunt Mary and her daughter close to my age, my cousin Lynda, drove down from Harlan, KY to visit Dad, so I got a chance to have a good visit with the two of them. My mother's two sisters are here as well. Aunt Frances has been here for a few days, and Aunt Joyce arrived this evening. It's always good to visit with them. I'm enjoying the opportunity to visit with Dad and am not looking forward to the next two weeks after my next chemo when I will be on limitations about seeing him again. He's making good progress in the few days that he's been at Kindred. Check out his progress at Emily and Gene's blog. He laughed when I told him that I put Mom's name first since we are both girls!
Tomorrow I'm going to go in to work for a little bit. I'm looking forward to going in - this is the longest I've been away from work for a good many years.
We've started talking about getting a puppy or a dog. There's this orange cat in the neighborhood who likes to harass our Lola girl (current, very beautiful tortie cat girl). Anyway, he's gotten decidedly bold since we don't have a dog, and tonight for the second time, he came all the way into our back yard and tried to come through the pet door. Liga and I tried to get him with a water squirter, but really didn't get him.
I'm starting to think I can manage this chemo treatment after all if I can have as many good days in a row as I've had this time!
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
Tomato Tree
So here's the short of it,
Another good day, but tired!
And here's the long
Another day of not doing much. I'm not feeling any side effects with any intensity, but I'm tired. I know that inactivity leads to tiredness, and I'm sure some of my lack of stamina is coming from the long time when I just didn't feel like doing anything. But what I did do today was stay in the house all day long. Now that the sun is down, I'll go outside and water my tomato tree! My Dad and Mom made me two of those topsy turvy tomato planters, and my dear husband, Alan, erected a 4x4 and put planter hooks to hold them - so it really looks a bit like a tomato tree! Dad reminded me just the other day that they take a whole lot of watering. It looks like I'll have a few ripe ones coming in next week. I'll give those away unless Alan and Liga want to eat them, because I won't be able to taste them, but I'm hoping there'll be a few ripe ones when my taster comes back! Several people who have been on this chemotherapy journey before me, have told me not to eat things that I really like while my taster is off, because they'll be "ruined".
Oh, another interesting thing to report on is our lovely Lola (the cat). From the get-go she has been Alan's cat and when he's not around she prefers the kids. I've always been her last resort - even though I'm the one who feeds her, takes care of her litter box, and all the other stuff.. well in the last month or so, she has decided that she needs to help take care of me. Sometimes she'll check on me when I'm napping and curl up behind my legs and nap with me. I'm sure part of it is that she misses her friend Suni. But, I'm thinking that maybe she knows I need some companionship as well!
Tomorrow we'll have visitors for Dad - aunts and a cousin from Harlan, Kentucky. It's good for Dad and I'll be glad to have an opportunity to visit.
Another good day, but tired!
And here's the long
Another day of not doing much. I'm not feeling any side effects with any intensity, but I'm tired. I know that inactivity leads to tiredness, and I'm sure some of my lack of stamina is coming from the long time when I just didn't feel like doing anything. But what I did do today was stay in the house all day long. Now that the sun is down, I'll go outside and water my tomato tree! My Dad and Mom made me two of those topsy turvy tomato planters, and my dear husband, Alan, erected a 4x4 and put planter hooks to hold them - so it really looks a bit like a tomato tree! Dad reminded me just the other day that they take a whole lot of watering. It looks like I'll have a few ripe ones coming in next week. I'll give those away unless Alan and Liga want to eat them, because I won't be able to taste them, but I'm hoping there'll be a few ripe ones when my taster comes back! Several people who have been on this chemotherapy journey before me, have told me not to eat things that I really like while my taster is off, because they'll be "ruined".
Oh, another interesting thing to report on is our lovely Lola (the cat). From the get-go she has been Alan's cat and when he's not around she prefers the kids. I've always been her last resort - even though I'm the one who feeds her, takes care of her litter box, and all the other stuff.. well in the last month or so, she has decided that she needs to help take care of me. Sometimes she'll check on me when I'm napping and curl up behind my legs and nap with me. I'm sure part of it is that she misses her friend Suni. But, I'm thinking that maybe she knows I need some companionship as well!
Tomorrow we'll have visitors for Dad - aunts and a cousin from Harlan, Kentucky. It's good for Dad and I'll be glad to have an opportunity to visit.
Monday, July 6, 2009
Side Effects
So here's the short of it,
I'm feeling good again today, but let me tell you about some of the side effects of my medicine cocktail!
And here's the long
It's hard for me to believe that I'm feeling so good. I was tired enough to sleep in a little this morning, but I've had good energy today and didn't really get too tired until about 4:30 this afternoon. Of course, I'm not working or really doing any hard labor. But I am up and moving around. I will say that about 4:30 I started to feel like I was trying to walk through water.
My Dad was moved from Erlanger to Kindred Hospital this afternoon. They specialize in ventilator weaning, and I am very hopeful that this move will bring the possibility of greater recovery. Alan and I went for a visit after he got settled in. The move made him awfully tired, but it was easy to tell that he was glad to be moved. Mom is spending the night with him. Check out his progress on Emily and Gene's blog.
Maybe this would be a good post to describe some of the crazy side effects of my medicines!
About a week ago, the bottoms of my feet and the palms of my hands started to burn. Now it wasn't all the time, but there would be periods of time that I thought I knew what those guys that walk on live coals must feel. Then last Wednesday night, I got up about four times to go and stand on the cool tile floor of the den! When I told my oncology nurse, she said it was the beginning of neuropathy and I got sent home with a prescription to help with that.
About the same time as my feet and hands started to burn, I began to have horrible heartburn in the evenings. I started to take some over the counter acid reducers and they helped some, but after my appointment last week, I came home with a prescription for that too!
I still have to take one medicine to control diarrhea! And I would guess that after my big treatment this coming Friday, I may have to take all three of them again.
I think one of the reasons I've felt so good for the last two or three days, is that my taste is returning a little. From my first treatment, food has either not had much taste (tomatoes just were like a mushy texture in my mouth with no taste at all) or things that I used to like just had a horrible taste.
My hair is now buzzed, but of course it's still falling out. At least now it's not long hair falling all over the place! It's funny on reflection, that I referred to my short hair as long from this buzz cut place I'm in! I do notice that I'm not accustomed to the breeze blowing across my bare head. It makes me feel a little chillier some times. My Mom has cautioned me to be careful not to get my head sunburned.
This is an interesting symptom, I think - I have always had some ear wax. As my daughter Liga used to say, I needed to "wax out" my ears from time to time. Well, it appears that I'm not really producing much ear wax now! Isn't that a strange thing.
I have some red dots showing up on my skin. A couple of them are on my face, but they are mostly on my arms and legs. I haven't seen this listed on any of the medication side effects lists. I'll be sure to ask about it on Friday when I go in for my next treatment.
And of course my fatigue, my low blood counts that put me on house arrest, and any other odd sensations I have from time to time can probably be attributed to the two big meds.
My next treatment, this coming Friday, is one of the "big" ones. I'll get Taxotere, Carboplatin, and Herceptin. As I recall, the most noticeable side effects the first time were flu-like symptoms, diarrhea, and an incredible fatigue. I'm hoping that each time I have one of these the side effects get a little easier.
In the meantime, I've got a few more days where I'm anticipating feeling really good.
I'm feeling good again today, but let me tell you about some of the side effects of my medicine cocktail!
And here's the long
It's hard for me to believe that I'm feeling so good. I was tired enough to sleep in a little this morning, but I've had good energy today and didn't really get too tired until about 4:30 this afternoon. Of course, I'm not working or really doing any hard labor. But I am up and moving around. I will say that about 4:30 I started to feel like I was trying to walk through water.
My Dad was moved from Erlanger to Kindred Hospital this afternoon. They specialize in ventilator weaning, and I am very hopeful that this move will bring the possibility of greater recovery. Alan and I went for a visit after he got settled in. The move made him awfully tired, but it was easy to tell that he was glad to be moved. Mom is spending the night with him. Check out his progress on Emily and Gene's blog.
Maybe this would be a good post to describe some of the crazy side effects of my medicines!
About a week ago, the bottoms of my feet and the palms of my hands started to burn. Now it wasn't all the time, but there would be periods of time that I thought I knew what those guys that walk on live coals must feel. Then last Wednesday night, I got up about four times to go and stand on the cool tile floor of the den! When I told my oncology nurse, she said it was the beginning of neuropathy and I got sent home with a prescription to help with that.
About the same time as my feet and hands started to burn, I began to have horrible heartburn in the evenings. I started to take some over the counter acid reducers and they helped some, but after my appointment last week, I came home with a prescription for that too!
I still have to take one medicine to control diarrhea! And I would guess that after my big treatment this coming Friday, I may have to take all three of them again.
I think one of the reasons I've felt so good for the last two or three days, is that my taste is returning a little. From my first treatment, food has either not had much taste (tomatoes just were like a mushy texture in my mouth with no taste at all) or things that I used to like just had a horrible taste.
My hair is now buzzed, but of course it's still falling out. At least now it's not long hair falling all over the place! It's funny on reflection, that I referred to my short hair as long from this buzz cut place I'm in! I do notice that I'm not accustomed to the breeze blowing across my bare head. It makes me feel a little chillier some times. My Mom has cautioned me to be careful not to get my head sunburned.
This is an interesting symptom, I think - I have always had some ear wax. As my daughter Liga used to say, I needed to "wax out" my ears from time to time. Well, it appears that I'm not really producing much ear wax now! Isn't that a strange thing.
I have some red dots showing up on my skin. A couple of them are on my face, but they are mostly on my arms and legs. I haven't seen this listed on any of the medication side effects lists. I'll be sure to ask about it on Friday when I go in for my next treatment.
And of course my fatigue, my low blood counts that put me on house arrest, and any other odd sensations I have from time to time can probably be attributed to the two big meds.
My next treatment, this coming Friday, is one of the "big" ones. I'll get Taxotere, Carboplatin, and Herceptin. As I recall, the most noticeable side effects the first time were flu-like symptoms, diarrhea, and an incredible fatigue. I'm hoping that each time I have one of these the side effects get a little easier.
In the meantime, I've got a few more days where I'm anticipating feeling really good.
Sunday, July 5, 2009
A Good Day.
So here's the short of it,
I've had a really good day!
And here's the long
I've felt really good again today. What a gift to wake up with enough energy to think about actually doing something! I went to a late breakfast with my dear friend, Moggie . . . and then we ventured over to Barnes and Nobles to look for kids books. It was fun; we both found more books than we should have, and I found a book for children that ended up being a great book for me! It's called Tear Soup. It's a book about grieving and I just loved it - I guess I'm in the middle of making Tear Soup for several reasons, and I guess, yes, it takes a little longer than I thought it might.
This afternoon I got to see my great niece Madison Claire. Her Mom and Dad wanted to stop and see Papa (my Dad) on their way home from Florida via Atlanta. Since Madison couldn't go to the hospital, she stayed with MaMa (my Mom) and I went down and visited as well. I also had a short visit with Madison's Mom and Dad, my niece Lauren and her husband Ryan. It was such a nice visit.
I'm looking forward to having several more good days! I may actually plan to do some small thing around the house!
I've had a really good day!
And here's the long
I've felt really good again today. What a gift to wake up with enough energy to think about actually doing something! I went to a late breakfast with my dear friend, Moggie . . . and then we ventured over to Barnes and Nobles to look for kids books. It was fun; we both found more books than we should have, and I found a book for children that ended up being a great book for me! It's called Tear Soup. It's a book about grieving and I just loved it - I guess I'm in the middle of making Tear Soup for several reasons, and I guess, yes, it takes a little longer than I thought it might.
This afternoon I got to see my great niece Madison Claire. Her Mom and Dad wanted to stop and see Papa (my Dad) on their way home from Florida via Atlanta. Since Madison couldn't go to the hospital, she stayed with MaMa (my Mom) and I went down and visited as well. I also had a short visit with Madison's Mom and Dad, my niece Lauren and her husband Ryan. It was such a nice visit.
I'm looking forward to having several more good days! I may actually plan to do some small thing around the house!
Saturday, July 4, 2009
Hair and Governments
So here's the short of it,
My hair is gone.
And here's the long
Well, all that mess of hair falling out everywhere is gone! Valdis wasn't able to make it, and Liga was out of sorts this morning, so I just sat on the patio and cut it off. Alan helped me make sure it was even in the back. I suppose that I could certainly have waited a few more weeks before the big shave, but I just thought that watching it fall out every time I shampooed or touched my head would be more emotional than just shaving it off now - and also such a mess. So it's gone.
I'll have to admit, it looks awfully strange to see my bald self looking back from the mirror. My Mom and younger brother stopped by late this morning to see how it looks, and Mom commented that she always did think I had a beautiful head. Steve suggested that I talk to Ryan, his son-in-law who went through chemotherapy the summer before he and Lauren were married, to find out how to take care of a bald pate!
I've had such a good day today - especially in terms of my energy! I felt strong enough to visit Dad at Erlanger again. It's good to be able to see him.
I'm watching the Capitol 4th Celebration on television. How incredibly amazing it is to think about that time in the world when people began to believe that government derived it's just powers from the consent of the governed. What an amazing and revolutionary idea, and how wonderful that our forefathers and mothers birthed that concept into the world on this continent!
My hair is gone.
And here's the long
Well, all that mess of hair falling out everywhere is gone! Valdis wasn't able to make it, and Liga was out of sorts this morning, so I just sat on the patio and cut it off. Alan helped me make sure it was even in the back. I suppose that I could certainly have waited a few more weeks before the big shave, but I just thought that watching it fall out every time I shampooed or touched my head would be more emotional than just shaving it off now - and also such a mess. So it's gone.
I'll have to admit, it looks awfully strange to see my bald self looking back from the mirror. My Mom and younger brother stopped by late this morning to see how it looks, and Mom commented that she always did think I had a beautiful head. Steve suggested that I talk to Ryan, his son-in-law who went through chemotherapy the summer before he and Lauren were married, to find out how to take care of a bald pate!
I've had such a good day today - especially in terms of my energy! I felt strong enough to visit Dad at Erlanger again. It's good to be able to see him.
I'm watching the Capitol 4th Celebration on television. How incredibly amazing it is to think about that time in the world when people began to believe that government derived it's just powers from the consent of the governed. What an amazing and revolutionary idea, and how wonderful that our forefathers and mothers birthed that concept into the world on this continent!
Friday, July 3, 2009
Hair Today and Gone Tomorrow
So here's the short of it,
My hair started falling out today!
And here's the long
This morning in the shower as I was washing my hair, I noticed a small handful of hair as I rinsed. Later in the morning, my scalp started to be itchy and kind of hurting a little - now not really painful, just a weird achy kind of feeling.
About mid- morning, I ran my hand through my hair and !wow! it was just full of hair. All day long, it's been coming out in clumps every time I touch it. It's probably not noticeable to anyone else, except of course all of my family that I've been around have had to hear me say, "Look at this, isn't this really weird!" Several of you who have walked this path ahead of me, told me that once it starts to come out, I'd probably want to go ahead and cut it. You are right! I can't imagine going for days on end having it falling out all over everything! It will be better to just get it cut.
When I first learned that I would have to have chemotherapy - the kind that makes you lose your hair - I talked to the kids about it. Liga didn't want to cut my hair. Valdis, on the other hand, said he'd return the favor. See, every summer for years, he couldn't wait for it to get warm enough for a buzz cut and I kept it really nice and short for him until school started. So I have an appointment with my buzz cutter tomorrow morning between 9 and 9:30. And by now, Liga has decided that she'll help out.
I'm not sad about this (yet). It just feels really strange that my hair is coming out in clumps. Actually in one way I'm really grateful for this sign that the chemo drugs are doing their work. They are killing all my rapidly dividing cells. Since they are killing my hair cells I'm guessing that they are killing any renegade cancer cells that may have escaped the surgeon's knife as well. Now that's a really good thought.
I'm pretty clear by this time, that one of the lessons I'm supposed to learn from all this is that no matter what I think, I really don't have any control over very much at all. That has certainly been very clear today!
My hair started falling out today!
And here's the long
This morning in the shower as I was washing my hair, I noticed a small handful of hair as I rinsed. Later in the morning, my scalp started to be itchy and kind of hurting a little - now not really painful, just a weird achy kind of feeling.
About mid- morning, I ran my hand through my hair and !wow! it was just full of hair. All day long, it's been coming out in clumps every time I touch it. It's probably not noticeable to anyone else, except of course all of my family that I've been around have had to hear me say, "Look at this, isn't this really weird!" Several of you who have walked this path ahead of me, told me that once it starts to come out, I'd probably want to go ahead and cut it. You are right! I can't imagine going for days on end having it falling out all over everything! It will be better to just get it cut.
When I first learned that I would have to have chemotherapy - the kind that makes you lose your hair - I talked to the kids about it. Liga didn't want to cut my hair. Valdis, on the other hand, said he'd return the favor. See, every summer for years, he couldn't wait for it to get warm enough for a buzz cut and I kept it really nice and short for him until school started. So I have an appointment with my buzz cutter tomorrow morning between 9 and 9:30. And by now, Liga has decided that she'll help out.
I'm not sad about this (yet). It just feels really strange that my hair is coming out in clumps. Actually in one way I'm really grateful for this sign that the chemo drugs are doing their work. They are killing all my rapidly dividing cells. Since they are killing my hair cells I'm guessing that they are killing any renegade cancer cells that may have escaped the surgeon's knife as well. Now that's a really good thought.
I'm pretty clear by this time, that one of the lessons I'm supposed to learn from all this is that no matter what I think, I really don't have any control over very much at all. That has certainly been very clear today!
Failure to Blog
So here's the short of it,
I haven't even opened the blog for eight days, and haven't blogged for nine days.
And here's the long
Well, it's been nine days since I wrote, or even wanted to write anything on the blog. On several days I told myself that I was going to blog. First I'd tell myself I'd do it in the late morning, then after lunch, then before dinner, then after dinner, then late - before I went to bed. Even when I felt well enough to open the computer and check e-mail, I wouldn't open the blog. The whole day would pass with one excuse and then another about why I wasn't blogging. By about day four, I knew that there was more to this than I was really understanding, but it was only yesterday sometime that I really sorted through what's been keeping me from the blog.
I've never minded my family and friends and friends who are like my family knowing even the smallest details of what's happening to me. I started the blog because it is just emotionally exhausting to tell the story over and over again, and I thought that blogging would be a way to share my journey with those who have, over the years, offered me such amazing support as I've faced other difficulties. And I have been on the receiving end in that regard - the support in the form of e-mails, blog comments, and cards has been remarkable. And each of you should know that all of those moments have given me strength and have bolstered my courage to face the next day.
So if all that's true, what was keeping my fingers from the keyboard? When I write the blog, I am sharing with you what lies deep in my heart. I've tried not to spare my fears, my hopes, or my sadness. As I write this now, I have tears and a hole as big as Kansas in my heart - for my Dad and my Mom as she faces this next chapter in their lives together, for my sweet dog, Suni, who I miss so much, and for my body's betrayal of me.
Now I know that cancer is not really a betrayal. And I know that the side effects of the chemotherapy are to be expected. But, when I was bed bound for days, and hardly able to walk to the bathroom, and had that unrelenting diarrhea, I felt like the strong body that I've depended on for all my life had absolutely betrayed me. I thought of all the women over the years who I've seen show up to work with the chemotherapy bald head and wondered how it was that they had been able to keep on going. I remembered our colleague, Dr. Lloyd, who year before last scheduled his chemotherapy for Friday afternoons so he could be at work on Monday, and who told his wife as he left for work each day, that of course he had to be at work, this was Dr. Lloyd's opus. And I wrestled with the self-image of Lynn as someone who would not be able to be strong. I'm still wrestling with this.
Then last week, my blood counts went down for the first time, and I jokingly told people that I was on house arrest. But that wasn't the worst of it. The week I started chemo, I didn't go see Dad because I made the decision that it wouldn't be the wisest environment for me to be in. The second week, I didn't go because my blood counts were low and I was told not to go. And the rest of the precautions just compounded it all. It was a joke, but it was an awful joke. House arrest - no digging in the dirt (read no gardening whether you ever did or not), no eating raw vegetables (of course you never want anything more than when you can't have it, salad please), and no being around any crowds or in places to be exposed to germs (all those times I griped about grocery shopping, can't I just go to Bi-Lo when there won't be many people there).
So the blog...... I couldn't write. I couldn't or maybe didn't want to confront those awful feelings and the sadness by dealing with it in a narrative from my heart.
I think, today, that I'll blog more or less regularly. But that is not a blog promise.
Thank you to each of you for your support and love.
I haven't even opened the blog for eight days, and haven't blogged for nine days.
And here's the long
Well, it's been nine days since I wrote, or even wanted to write anything on the blog. On several days I told myself that I was going to blog. First I'd tell myself I'd do it in the late morning, then after lunch, then before dinner, then after dinner, then late - before I went to bed. Even when I felt well enough to open the computer and check e-mail, I wouldn't open the blog. The whole day would pass with one excuse and then another about why I wasn't blogging. By about day four, I knew that there was more to this than I was really understanding, but it was only yesterday sometime that I really sorted through what's been keeping me from the blog.
I've never minded my family and friends and friends who are like my family knowing even the smallest details of what's happening to me. I started the blog because it is just emotionally exhausting to tell the story over and over again, and I thought that blogging would be a way to share my journey with those who have, over the years, offered me such amazing support as I've faced other difficulties. And I have been on the receiving end in that regard - the support in the form of e-mails, blog comments, and cards has been remarkable. And each of you should know that all of those moments have given me strength and have bolstered my courage to face the next day.
So if all that's true, what was keeping my fingers from the keyboard? When I write the blog, I am sharing with you what lies deep in my heart. I've tried not to spare my fears, my hopes, or my sadness. As I write this now, I have tears and a hole as big as Kansas in my heart - for my Dad and my Mom as she faces this next chapter in their lives together, for my sweet dog, Suni, who I miss so much, and for my body's betrayal of me.
Now I know that cancer is not really a betrayal. And I know that the side effects of the chemotherapy are to be expected. But, when I was bed bound for days, and hardly able to walk to the bathroom, and had that unrelenting diarrhea, I felt like the strong body that I've depended on for all my life had absolutely betrayed me. I thought of all the women over the years who I've seen show up to work with the chemotherapy bald head and wondered how it was that they had been able to keep on going. I remembered our colleague, Dr. Lloyd, who year before last scheduled his chemotherapy for Friday afternoons so he could be at work on Monday, and who told his wife as he left for work each day, that of course he had to be at work, this was Dr. Lloyd's opus. And I wrestled with the self-image of Lynn as someone who would not be able to be strong. I'm still wrestling with this.
Then last week, my blood counts went down for the first time, and I jokingly told people that I was on house arrest. But that wasn't the worst of it. The week I started chemo, I didn't go see Dad because I made the decision that it wouldn't be the wisest environment for me to be in. The second week, I didn't go because my blood counts were low and I was told not to go. And the rest of the precautions just compounded it all. It was a joke, but it was an awful joke. House arrest - no digging in the dirt (read no gardening whether you ever did or not), no eating raw vegetables (of course you never want anything more than when you can't have it, salad please), and no being around any crowds or in places to be exposed to germs (all those times I griped about grocery shopping, can't I just go to Bi-Lo when there won't be many people there).
So the blog...... I couldn't write. I couldn't or maybe didn't want to confront those awful feelings and the sadness by dealing with it in a narrative from my heart.
I think, today, that I'll blog more or less regularly. But that is not a blog promise.
Thank you to each of you for your support and love.
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