Low Blood Counts

So here's the short of it,
I had a Herceptin treatment today and my blood counts are pretty low. 

And here's the long

Today was a Herceptin treatment day.  That one is fairly routine and goes pretty quickly.  We were in and out in about an hour.  I'm glad it's getting that way considering I'll continue doing it once a week til sometime in June or July!

It's a good thing I only have one more chemo treatment, because my blood counts are struggling even with the transfusion.  My white counts are below what's called the limits, so I have to stay really careful about not exposing myself to any nasty stuff - especially the flu.  My Hemoglobin is up considerably from last week before the transfusion but still below the limits - so that called for another shot of Procrit, because if that count doesn't come up it will delay my chemo treatment next week.  That's also the explanation for why I'm so tired all the time.  My platelet count is way low.  That's why any little nick on my skin just oozes blood way more than normal.  I was cautioned not to use sharp implements and to be careful about bruising.  This is also the explanation for why my gums have started bleeding in spite of all my efforts at good dental hygiene.  So all in all for someone in my condition, I am in pretty good shape.

I asked about work, and got the go ahead if I cloister myself and make sure not to be around children or people who may be sick.  I'll plan to work just in my office and try to stay clear of germy places. I'll be able to work until next Wednesday.  That should keep me in touch enough not to completely lose my place until I'm well enough to go back full time!

Today as Alan drove me to my appointment, I thought about how in this week of my treatment cycle I waited for the all clear to go to Kindred to see Dad.   I'd always ask him how he was doing and without fail, he'd say better.  And he'd ask how I was doing.  As I think about Dad and the lessons his life has taught me - I think how he lived life intentionally and never, ever gave up.

Still coughing

So here's the short of it,
I still have this yucky cough.

And here's the long

I'm still coughing and I have had two rounds of pretty big antibiotics.  So, tomorrow when I go in for my Herceptin treatment I'll ask for advice. Right now I've been taking Robitussin DM, and it helps some. The cough is making my chest hurt in the area just to the left of my port.  I'll ask them about that as well. 

I keep thinking that I'm coming up on my very last Carboplatin and Abraxane treatment.  If my blood counts hold, I should have that a week from tomorrow!  I believe that the Abraxane has been a little easier to handle than the Taxotere was - but the cough has been a concern.  I'm not sure it has anything to do with the medications, just probably my weakened immune system.

Elizabeth and Elijah are here visiting with Mom.  They are working on a really cute fish quilt for Elijah - it's a stylized fish pattern and the colors Elizabeth chose are really nice. It looks something like the illustration on the right - .   I can't wait to see how it turns out. 

The childproofing that Russ and Alan worked on before E & E got here is working out great.  He can't get out of the doors and the cabinets are childproofed.  Elizabeth is helping Mom put things away that are enticing but not appropriate for Elijah.  We are hoping that Valdis can get her VCR working so that Elijah can have some entertainment. 

Another day is gone. I've had several people who have lost a parent say they think about that person every day even years after.  I hope that will be true for me.  I hope that not a day goes by for the rest of my life that I don't have at least one really happy memory of Dad.

So here's the short of it,
I have some bug...

And here's the long

I finished a round of zithromax this past Tuesday.  On Wednesday, I was still coughing and so I got started on a round of Levaquin.   I am still coughing and am very tired.  I really need to go to work, but my white counts are so low.   I made a comment at dinner that I really needed to go in to work and Alan really fussed at me about not going out and jeopardizing myself on top of what I've apparently already got!

Today I mostly rested and did just a bit of work from home.  I really didn't do anything at all around the house. Some of Mom's PEO sisters brought in dinner to her house, so Alan and I went there for dinner.  Elizabeth and Elijah are here to visit her for a few days.  I know she will enjoy having them. 

There is a quietness about Mom's house now, and she is moving through the things that have to be done.  She is an inspiration.  She is not afraid of her sadness or her anger and frustration about the surgery gone so terribly wrong.  She is moving through all of that and little thing by little thing, redefining her life in these very small ways.

I am so tired.  I've got one more chemo treatment left!  Week after next if my blood counts are good.
I am so thankful it's almost done. 

Tired and Coughing

So here's the short of it,
I'm tired and coughing.

And here's the long

I've been coughing for several days.  I've kept it under control by taking Robitussin, but it's gotten worse today and tonight. I'm pretty sure this is not a new bug, but one that's been brewing since at least last weekend.

I had been planning on going to work, but tonight Alan reminded me of how low my white counts were last Wednesday and has convinced me that I should take another day at least before I go out.  He thinks I'm just courting an infection if I continue to go out in public places. I will have to admit, my white counts were lower than they have been during the whole treatment.  So I decided to take his advice and not go in for another day or two.  I am pretty tired.

Russ is still here and he and Mom went to church this morning.  I'm really glad that she's eager to get back into church activities.  It's so hard for me to comprehend that Mom is a widow.  She has talked on several occasions about how much support and nurturing she gets her church family.  Elizabeth will be coming in tomorrow for about a week.  Mom is so looking forward to having them for a few days.  She'll be helping Mom do a few things, and mom will be delighting in her first great grandchild.

I didn't sleep well last night, so I'm going to try to get to bed early and get some good rest tonight.

So here's the short of it,
I had a very long nap today.  

And here's the long

 I suppose I just didn't realize how absolutely tired I really was.  I spent a bit of time visiting with Greg and Russ this morning before they drove over to Nashville for Greg's flight.  Early this afternoon I thought I'd just have a nice little nap.  I slept all afternoon!  I didn't even have to get up for the dreaded diarrhea.

I've wondered how that all works.  Diarrhea has been such a constant companion during my post treatment weeks.  I didn't even think about how I was going to make it through the visitation and the funeral, but I just didn't have any at all.  The very next day (yesterday) it was right back again!

I'm glad I have another day tomorrow to just stretch out and rest and relax.  I've gotten lots of comments that my color is lots better.  That, I'm sure, is from the blood transfusion.  I don't really notice so much difference, but that may be just because of my mental state the last week.

Mom seems to be doing well.  She is enormously sad, but she is such a strong woman.  She has talked about needing to find her new reality - she will do that.  We'll all find our new reality. She has always had lots of friends and loves to participate in activities with the church and the women's groups she's belonged to. She will be a great example for us all about how to do this next stage of life.

Today, I am feeling so grateful that Mom pushed for the move to Chattanooga six years ago.

So here's the short of it,
So today was the first day of the ordinary days that will come in the weeks, months, and years ahead.

And here's the long

Today seems somehow like a reflection of a day, not really a day - almost like our puppy's first glimpse of herself in the mirror - it looks real, and maybe it is, but there's something strange about it - something not quite right. Dad's chair is right there in the same spot, and even though he hasn't sat in it for months, there was some far hope that he might sit there again. Today there's no question.  At lunch Steve offered the prayer before the meal - something he's really good at, but today it punctuated that we won't hear one of Gene's before meal prayers again. 

I know that it will be a year of firsts.  The first time I will  have a birthday without a card and flowers from my Mom and Dad.  The first Thanksgiving, and on and on.  I suppose that's a part of getting through it - I suppose that's how the first steps are, figuring out how to keep finding the joyful moments in life. I'll look to Dad's example for how to do that.  One thing is for sure, he enjoyed his life.  I inherit the legacy of a man who chose to see the good whenever he could, and who spent most of his life making the world a better place in one way or another.  I know that I'll try every day for the rest of my life to live up to that legacy.

Today I am extraordinarily grateful that I am Gene Howard's daughter.

So here's the short of it,
Today we buried my Dad. 

And here's the long

This is the most difficult passage I have faced so far in my life.  I really know that I don't know how to live a life without my Dad.  I also know that I will grow into the the ability to do that.  I know that my relationship with my Mother will also change - and that is also uncharted territory.  When I began this blog, I chose a poem that I thought would see me through my cancer treatments.  I think I have to trust that in this passage too, I don't have to know the way; I can step out into the darkness with my hand in the hand of God and that will be safer than a known way.

And I said to the man who stood at the gate of the year;
Give me a light that I may tread safely into the unknown!
And he replied: Go out into the darkness! and put thine hand into the hand of God.
That shall be for thee better than light, and safer than a known way.
-Minnie Louise Haskins