So here's the short of it,
My blood counts were OK, so I had my treatment today.
And here's the long
All my blood counts were in good shape today, so I got what I expect will be my final Chemo treatment. It's working pretty quickly. Within an hour of being home, my diarrhea had already started!
I FORGOT to order my Anti-nausea medicine for this treatment. So here I am without having it! I am supposed to take it first thing in the morning. I'm hoping Alan or Valdis will be able to go to the pharmacy first thing in the morning and wait for it. I have been so lucky not to have the put you on the floor nausea that so many people have.
The Abraxane hasn't gotten to my taste buds quite as quickly as the Taxotere did. Mom made dinner and a couple of hours after my treament, nothing tasted horrible, but by the end of the meal I was beginning to taste that metallic sharp taste and I have an aftertaste this evening that I can't quite get rid of. I've also started having chills and hot flashes. Not really bad right now, so perhaps this last treatment will be the easiest of all. After all, the dosage of Carboplatin has been reduced twice, and the Taxotere has been replaced with Abraxane!
My two brothers, Russ and Steve, will be here for a few days. Russ arrived this evening and Steve will be here sometime late tomorrow evening. I hope I feel well enough to have some good time with them.
I wanted to celebrate this final treatment today. My regular oncology nurse, Lori, was on vacation and Elizabeth took care of me. I kind of know all of them, because they all pitch in to change out the bags, answer the beeping of the infusion machine, or check on patients who are having some side effect, and once before when Lori was gone, I was in the capable hands of Elizabeth...anyway, when I told her that this was my last round of Carboplatin and Taxotere, she said, "You know, sometimes Dr. Schlabach has to have a patient do another treatment or two." I was astonished. She said that it's not uncommon - that about 10 to 15 percent of patients end up having additional treatments. I won't see Dr. Schlabach for 3 weeks, so we'll see then what he says. So that lightness of being that I was looking for is weighed down with the reality that there is that slim possibility that I may not be done after all.
I also had a chest x-ray after my treatment. After Elizabeth heard my cough and had me tell her I'd been on Septra, a z-pack, Leviquin, and now Septra again, she said, "How about I ask about getting you a chest x-ray." Hmmm. I should hear something tomorrow or the next day if anything shows up.
So perhaps the worst this will be is a few days of sleeping in and napping on the couch in front of replays on the Food Network.
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
So here's the short of it,
I am so grateful that Mom lives down the street.
And here's the long
I worked today. I was the only one back in the office and so I was able to get a lot of stuff done. I was right in the middle of something when I heard a noise and the substitute maintenance person came to check and see who was still in the building. I guess I'm so far behind that I just got carried away and totally lost track of time. I'm glad I felt OK today.
This evening I walked down to see Mom. She had called while I was at work to get some help with her mower and so I wanted to check on her. She didn't answer the door so I called her cell phone. She answered and told me she was working out in the storage shed. There she was in the middle of trying to sort through things and straighten. She says it's so much to do, she hardly knows where to start. But start she had! There was a pair of Dad's garden boots. She had tied the laces together and hung the boots up on a nail. It was a pretty poignant moment to see her there finding things Dad still had in shopping bags, sorting things, and beginning to organize it in her own way. I watched her pick up tools and tell me what they were used for and wrap the cords around them and put them together in a corner. And I couldn't help but look up at the wall where the clock has stopped. Alan was the one who saw it the other day. I don't know how long it's been stopped, but it's 12:35. I think somehow it should just stay that way.
I am so grateful that Mom lives down the street.
And here's the long
I worked today. I was the only one back in the office and so I was able to get a lot of stuff done. I was right in the middle of something when I heard a noise and the substitute maintenance person came to check and see who was still in the building. I guess I'm so far behind that I just got carried away and totally lost track of time. I'm glad I felt OK today.
This evening I walked down to see Mom. She had called while I was at work to get some help with her mower and so I wanted to check on her. She didn't answer the door so I called her cell phone. She answered and told me she was working out in the storage shed. There she was in the middle of trying to sort through things and straighten. She says it's so much to do, she hardly knows where to start. But start she had! There was a pair of Dad's garden boots. She had tied the laces together and hung the boots up on a nail. It was a pretty poignant moment to see her there finding things Dad still had in shopping bags, sorting things, and beginning to organize it in her own way. I watched her pick up tools and tell me what they were used for and wrap the cords around them and put them together in a corner. And I couldn't help but look up at the wall where the clock has stopped. Alan was the one who saw it the other day. I don't know how long it's been stopped, but it's 12:35. I think somehow it should just stay that way.
Monday, October 19, 2009
So here's the short of it,
Still coughing.
And here's the long
I was planning to work today, but when I got up and tried to get started, I was pretty nauseous. I was taken by surprise because I'm nearly four weeks out from my last treatment and really shouldn't be feeling any nausea. Anyway, I took some nausea medicine and by lunchtime I was pretty much over the nausea, but since it's fall break, I decided to spend the rest of the day napping. So I've really had quite a low and slow day. I do plan to go to work tomorrow!
I'm very frustrated that my treatment is making it so hard for me to do the things I want to do. I think I'm accustomed to pushing myself physically and being able to recover pretty quickly. I've been sick a couple of times in my life, that were harsh and lingering, but I've never experienced anything that has sapped both my energy and just my desire to try to overcome the feeling bad.
I'm having a hard time understanding this cough. I'm taking Septra; I dose up on Mucinex every 12 hours; and I've constantly got a cough drop in my mouth. Most of the day I only cough a little bit, but toward the end of the 12 hour cycle, I just start coughing and can hardly stop. It feels pretty awful. Liga said a little while ago, "Mom, you really should do something about that cough"! Right, I know sweetie; I know.
I'm sitting here looking at my bouquet of pink roses that Alan got for our anniversary. He said that he thought that pink roses were especially appropriate this year. They are really pretty. They are also way up high so that our Big Puppy, Sophie can't get to them. She's not quite 6 months old, and she already weighs about 45 pounds. She is such a sweet dog, but still has those wild puppy moments!
Here's hoping that tomorrow is a better day!
Still coughing.
And here's the long
I was planning to work today, but when I got up and tried to get started, I was pretty nauseous. I was taken by surprise because I'm nearly four weeks out from my last treatment and really shouldn't be feeling any nausea. Anyway, I took some nausea medicine and by lunchtime I was pretty much over the nausea, but since it's fall break, I decided to spend the rest of the day napping. So I've really had quite a low and slow day. I do plan to go to work tomorrow!
I'm very frustrated that my treatment is making it so hard for me to do the things I want to do. I think I'm accustomed to pushing myself physically and being able to recover pretty quickly. I've been sick a couple of times in my life, that were harsh and lingering, but I've never experienced anything that has sapped both my energy and just my desire to try to overcome the feeling bad.
I'm having a hard time understanding this cough. I'm taking Septra; I dose up on Mucinex every 12 hours; and I've constantly got a cough drop in my mouth. Most of the day I only cough a little bit, but toward the end of the 12 hour cycle, I just start coughing and can hardly stop. It feels pretty awful. Liga said a little while ago, "Mom, you really should do something about that cough"! Right, I know sweetie; I know.
I'm sitting here looking at my bouquet of pink roses that Alan got for our anniversary. He said that he thought that pink roses were especially appropriate this year. They are really pretty. They are also way up high so that our Big Puppy, Sophie can't get to them. She's not quite 6 months old, and she already weighs about 45 pounds. She is such a sweet dog, but still has those wild puppy moments!
Here's hoping that tomorrow is a better day!
Sunday, October 18, 2009
So here's the short of it,
Just pondering a few things.
And here's the long
Today Alan and I celebrate our 22nd anniversary. I can hardly believe it's been that long. We had a nice dinner out last night, and maybe we'll do something later on after my treatments are over and I'm feeling a little better. I've had a pretty good weekend, but I'm still struggling with this cough. Septra, Musinex, Robitussin, and cough drops are helping some. I'm still having times when I just feel like I can't quit coughing!
One of my friends who had breast cancer a few years ago, came back to work for Hamilton County last year. She's been struggling with illness ever since she came back into the schools were there are so many germs. So she has decided to retire. I'm really happy for her that she is in a place in her life where that's possible for her. It also makes me a bit worried about being able to go back to work - but then, there are so many women in our system who have been through this battle and are back at work and seem strong and able. I believe I will be counted in that number!
We are on fall break this week, but I'm going to work for a couple of days. It will give me a chance to maybe do some catch up! Then if all goes well, I should have my last treatment on Wednesday. Alan says he doesn't think I'll have my treatment. He is telling me I'll probably have to have another transfusion. I think he's just trying to keep my expectations in line.
My two brothers, Russ and Steve with his wife Pat, are coming in on Thursday to check in and take care of some of the business end of things. I'm disappointed to think that I might not feel well enough to spend time with them while they're here. But here I go again doing what one of my friends calls "future tripping" . I don't know if I'll have a treatment or not and I don't know how I'll feel, and I can just live the next two days and wait to see what Wednesday brings and deal with it then.
I was reading through some of the notepads that Dad left behind a little while ago. He wrote a piece on the 62nd anniversary of his father's death. I never got to know him; he died in a coal mining accident when Dad was just 15. Dad ended that piece by saying "I still miss him."
I am missing my Dad too.
Just pondering a few things.
And here's the long
Today Alan and I celebrate our 22nd anniversary. I can hardly believe it's been that long. We had a nice dinner out last night, and maybe we'll do something later on after my treatments are over and I'm feeling a little better. I've had a pretty good weekend, but I'm still struggling with this cough. Septra, Musinex, Robitussin, and cough drops are helping some. I'm still having times when I just feel like I can't quit coughing!
One of my friends who had breast cancer a few years ago, came back to work for Hamilton County last year. She's been struggling with illness ever since she came back into the schools were there are so many germs. So she has decided to retire. I'm really happy for her that she is in a place in her life where that's possible for her. It also makes me a bit worried about being able to go back to work - but then, there are so many women in our system who have been through this battle and are back at work and seem strong and able. I believe I will be counted in that number!
We are on fall break this week, but I'm going to work for a couple of days. It will give me a chance to maybe do some catch up! Then if all goes well, I should have my last treatment on Wednesday. Alan says he doesn't think I'll have my treatment. He is telling me I'll probably have to have another transfusion. I think he's just trying to keep my expectations in line.
My two brothers, Russ and Steve with his wife Pat, are coming in on Thursday to check in and take care of some of the business end of things. I'm disappointed to think that I might not feel well enough to spend time with them while they're here. But here I go again doing what one of my friends calls "future tripping" . I don't know if I'll have a treatment or not and I don't know how I'll feel, and I can just live the next two days and wait to see what Wednesday brings and deal with it then.
I was reading through some of the notepads that Dad left behind a little while ago. He wrote a piece on the 62nd anniversary of his father's death. I never got to know him; he died in a coal mining accident when Dad was just 15. Dad ended that piece by saying "I still miss him."
I am missing my Dad too.
Saturday, October 17, 2009
Pancakes, Loss, and Steak
So here's the short of it,
And here's the long
This morning I went down to Mom's and had blueberry pancakes. Aunt Joyce had spent the night and they were planning their day. I had such a good visit with them. Later in the day one of the Gideons, who had arranged to film the funeral service and the burial service brought Mom the DVD. She and Joyce watched it and I think it must have been very emotional for them.
Alan and I went to the visitation for the mother of a dear friend. Tomorrow is her funeral. It's so hard to lose a parent. I know that I'm doing better, I don't have the constant hollowness that I experienced in the first few days. But now the grief comes unexpectedly and something that may be very ordinary becomes an extraordinary reminder of Dad and brings tears and a deep heaviness. Many of my friends have told me that these memories eventually become a sweet reminder - I'm not there yet for sure. I ache for my friend's loss. This is not an easy journey.
Tonight Alan and I had an early anniversary dinner with Mom, Mommy Anne, Pennie, Myra, Liga and Valdis. It was a nice evening, and I ate steak! Every time I've been out I've been encouraged to eat red meat to help with my red blood cell production. Mom made steak the other night when we ate at her house. Dr. Schlabach said I'd have to eat a steak as big as Texas to make any difference, but if it makes everyone feel better, I can manage - and maybe it will help. I think when my treatments are all over and my blood counts are back up, I'll be so eager to have salads and vegetable plates!
Will eating steak help bring up my platelet count?
That is the question. And here's the long
This morning I went down to Mom's and had blueberry pancakes. Aunt Joyce had spent the night and they were planning their day. I had such a good visit with them. Later in the day one of the Gideons, who had arranged to film the funeral service and the burial service brought Mom the DVD. She and Joyce watched it and I think it must have been very emotional for them.
Alan and I went to the visitation for the mother of a dear friend. Tomorrow is her funeral. It's so hard to lose a parent. I know that I'm doing better, I don't have the constant hollowness that I experienced in the first few days. But now the grief comes unexpectedly and something that may be very ordinary becomes an extraordinary reminder of Dad and brings tears and a deep heaviness. Many of my friends have told me that these memories eventually become a sweet reminder - I'm not there yet for sure. I ache for my friend's loss. This is not an easy journey.
Tonight Alan and I had an early anniversary dinner with Mom, Mommy Anne, Pennie, Myra, Liga and Valdis. It was a nice evening, and I ate steak! Every time I've been out I've been encouraged to eat red meat to help with my red blood cell production. Mom made steak the other night when we ate at her house. Dr. Schlabach said I'd have to eat a steak as big as Texas to make any difference, but if it makes everyone feel better, I can manage - and maybe it will help. I think when my treatments are all over and my blood counts are back up, I'll be so eager to have salads and vegetable plates!
Friday, October 16, 2009
So here's the short of it,
At this point Chemo feels like cabin fever.
And here's the long
There are a few benefits to having my Chemo put off for a week. I am beginning to be able to taste more things. I even had a tomato for dinner last night and it tasted a little like a tomato. For the first time since I started the Chemo, my diarrhea has somewhat abated today. I was beginning to think that I'd have to live with that for the rest of my life! This lets me know that there probably will be a time when I won't have to battle that. I also have more energy - but I noticed today that it was really easy for me to push myself. I walked up and down one flight of steps at the office instead of taking the elevator and I was out of breath and felt like I'd run a big race! I'm really going to have to work hard on my stamina and strength after I finish up these treatments!
I've got a feeling that I would compare to the cabin fever that the old folks used to talk about - that feeling of just having to be out of the house and in the world with no artificial heat and no huge coats or layers after having been cooped up all winter long. I have that restless feeling. I want to walk up and down the steps without being out of breath. I want to get my sleep schedule back to some kind of normal. I want the bottoms of my feet to quit burning. I don't want to worry that a little nick will result in me bleeding so much I have to get blood! I want to NOT be so tired all the time. And I want to be out in the world with a normal immune system - I want to know that if someone sneezes or coughs I have those great soldiers in my body that will fight off whatever germs there are. I want to know that my body is doing what it should.
This weekend, Sunday, Alan and I will celebrate our 22nd wedding anniversary. Wow! He's been such a trooper through this illness and my Dad's illness and death. I'm really grateful to have him in my life.
At this point Chemo feels like cabin fever.
And here's the long
There are a few benefits to having my Chemo put off for a week. I am beginning to be able to taste more things. I even had a tomato for dinner last night and it tasted a little like a tomato. For the first time since I started the Chemo, my diarrhea has somewhat abated today. I was beginning to think that I'd have to live with that for the rest of my life! This lets me know that there probably will be a time when I won't have to battle that. I also have more energy - but I noticed today that it was really easy for me to push myself. I walked up and down one flight of steps at the office instead of taking the elevator and I was out of breath and felt like I'd run a big race! I'm really going to have to work hard on my stamina and strength after I finish up these treatments!
I've got a feeling that I would compare to the cabin fever that the old folks used to talk about - that feeling of just having to be out of the house and in the world with no artificial heat and no huge coats or layers after having been cooped up all winter long. I have that restless feeling. I want to walk up and down the steps without being out of breath. I want to get my sleep schedule back to some kind of normal. I want the bottoms of my feet to quit burning. I don't want to worry that a little nick will result in me bleeding so much I have to get blood! I want to NOT be so tired all the time. And I want to be out in the world with a normal immune system - I want to know that if someone sneezes or coughs I have those great soldiers in my body that will fight off whatever germs there are. I want to know that my body is doing what it should.
This weekend, Sunday, Alan and I will celebrate our 22nd wedding anniversary. Wow! He's been such a trooper through this illness and my Dad's illness and death. I'm really grateful to have him in my life.
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Feeling Better
So here's the short of it,
Feeling better is the upside of no Chemotherapy.
And here's the long
Well, the upside of not having a chemo treatment yesterday is that I really feel pretty good today. I was able to work, go to the cemetery with Mom, have dinner with Mom, take Sophie for a walk around the circle, and still have enough energy to go to an evening meeting. Of course I'm really tired now, but I've had a full day.
This afternoon Mom and I went to the cemetery; I'm so grateful that it's nearby. We can really be from our front doors to the gates of the cemetery in less than ten minutes. I think it will be a great comfort to Mom that she will be able to go whenever she wants to. I know that it is already a great comfort to me to know that I can just drive by and see the beautiful grounds. Those formative years when Dad lived on the edge of life and death honed his character and helped make him into the man he would become - the husband and father that he would become. That service he gave when he was barely old enough to be called a man occupied much of his thoughts in his later years. It may have only been when he returned to Belgium for the 60th anniversary of the Battle of the Bulge and was honored not only by the King, but also by ordinary people he met in the streets, that he was able to come to terms with the "awful things he had done." He knew that his final resting place would be a place where that service would be honored. He was comforted by knowing that.
I am looking forward to a few very good days. I have some of my taste coming back, so I may be able to enjoy a few meals, and I'm feeling well enough to work! So when I do get back, maybe I won't be quite as far behind.
I also think I learned an important lesson yesterday. I really do need to stay in the now. I don't need to get carried away by what I think is going to happen. I'll go to my appointment next week, and if I can get my last Chemo so it will be, but I'm not going to be so anticipatory this time.
Feeling better is the upside of no Chemotherapy.
And here's the long
Well, the upside of not having a chemo treatment yesterday is that I really feel pretty good today. I was able to work, go to the cemetery with Mom, have dinner with Mom, take Sophie for a walk around the circle, and still have enough energy to go to an evening meeting. Of course I'm really tired now, but I've had a full day.
This afternoon Mom and I went to the cemetery; I'm so grateful that it's nearby. We can really be from our front doors to the gates of the cemetery in less than ten minutes. I think it will be a great comfort to Mom that she will be able to go whenever she wants to. I know that it is already a great comfort to me to know that I can just drive by and see the beautiful grounds. Those formative years when Dad lived on the edge of life and death honed his character and helped make him into the man he would become - the husband and father that he would become. That service he gave when he was barely old enough to be called a man occupied much of his thoughts in his later years. It may have only been when he returned to Belgium for the 60th anniversary of the Battle of the Bulge and was honored not only by the King, but also by ordinary people he met in the streets, that he was able to come to terms with the "awful things he had done." He knew that his final resting place would be a place where that service would be honored. He was comforted by knowing that.
I am looking forward to a few very good days. I have some of my taste coming back, so I may be able to enjoy a few meals, and I'm feeling well enough to work! So when I do get back, maybe I won't be quite as far behind.
I also think I learned an important lesson yesterday. I really do need to stay in the now. I don't need to get carried away by what I think is going to happen. I'll go to my appointment next week, and if I can get my last Chemo so it will be, but I'm not going to be so anticipatory this time.
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