Staying in the Moment

So here's the short of it,

I'm trying really hard to stay in the moment.

And here's the long

It' s really difficult for me to stay in the moment now.  I'm feeling pretty good although I'm awfully tired.  I worked today and felt like I am just a million miles behind.  There are so many just routine things that I usually have done by this time of the year that I just haven't done.  My supervisor/director, Margaret, came by the office today and her comment about it all was something like "well, just try to make a dent in it."  And that's what I'm trying to do! She has been so supportive.

I had an appointment with my surgeon this morning, and she says the surgery looks great, and that I don't need to come back to her for four months.  By that time, it will be time to start having mammograms every 6 months for awhile.  While there, we started talking about my treatment schedule and radiation and how that will impact the breast.  And I just started focusing on this coming Wednesday being my last Chemotherapy treatment.  Of course, my blood counts have to come up. I so hope that the Procrit shot that I got this last Wednesday will work it's magic and those counts will be high enough!  I am so eager for Wednesday to get here!  I've been trying so hard all through this to just live one day at a time and not think about tomorrow or the next treatment, or whether or not I'll be really sick when I have the next one.  I've been pretty good about it most of the time, but as the time for the last one grows nearer, I keep thinking about it.  Which chair will be available.  Will Lori ( my regular Oncology Nurse) be there.  Will I feel like celebrating that afternoon.  How sick will I be? Maybe I'll get away without being too wiped out.  Will my red blood counts hold?   These and many more questions are just swirling around at the edges of my consciousness.  And whatever I'm trying to do one of them will pop through to interrupt my thought processes. 

Last night I did pretty good sleeping on my other side - the side where I don't have the port, and I remember now why I started sleeping on my right side.  My left shoulder gets really sore if I sleep on it!  So maybe I could learn to sleep on my back.  I think the problem with that is that if I'm on my back I snore as loud as a big train.  I come by that honestly, both my parents could raise the roof - especially if they were snoring together!

At my doctor appointment today, she asked me if Dad had been sick for a long time.  I was struck hard one more time by how tragic the whole thing was.  He was so active and healthy.  He drove himself to Kiwanis, to the Christian Businessmen's group, to Gideons, to the Master Gardener's group. The Wednesday before his surgery, he gave a presentation at his Church.  He was active, busy, and extraordinarilly alert - and the surgical complication seems so unfair.  But I will say this - even in his illness, he continued to be an example of how to live.  I hope I can hold on to his last lessons.