Snow Day

So here's the short of it,
I'm pretty excited to have a snow day tomorrow.

And here's the long

Yesterday Liga helped me clean up the kitchen.  It hadn't had a really good cleaning since last May when I had surgery.  It's really nice to walk in and see it in relatively good shape and it was a pleasure to work in there today.

I slept in this morning and it felt wonderful.  For the last several weeks, we've had Sunday supper down at Mom's with Mia and Clyde.  Tonight, Liga and Valdis joined us and then Valdis' friend joined us for a little while for dessert.  It was really nice to be together. 

Then while I was still at Mom's and Alan had gone home, I got a wonderful surprise!  Alan sent me a text saying No School tomorrow.  It's funny that the robocall saying that Hamilton County Schools will be closed tomorrow comes to his phone before I get it on my cell.  How lucky I am to be working on a teacher calendar.  This means that I'll be working a four day work week this week coming, and that will be much easier.  I'll have one more day to sleep relatively late - then by the time Friday's here and my energy is running low, I'll be at the weekend. 

Of course living here in Brainerd, it's a bit hard to see why we'll be out of school.  I'm remembering when there were separate City and County Scools, there were many days when the City Schools had school,. but Hamilton County was closed - so that northern edge and the mountainous areas will probably still have some roads that would be impassible for buses.  So here's to sleeping in!

Mammogram reminder

So here's the short of it,
Here's a reminder for all my family and friends.

And here's the long

If you are older than 40 make sure you are staying up to date on your mammograms!

If you are 20 or older learn how to do a monthly breast self examination. 

Snow!

So here's the short of it,

The snow came in spite of our weather forecasters predictions of rain.

And here's the long

I believe that all the weather forecasters in Chattanooga missed the call on today's weather - I think they all said we'd just have rain.  I was glad because I had a meeting this morning that really needed to happen, and it was a good thing that it didn't need to be rescheduled.  That meeting was in Hixson, and as I was leaving at about 10:30 the very first very light sleet began to fall.  I headed to Lookout Valley for my next appointment and before I reached the exit I got that robocall letting announcing that school would be dismissed at 11:30 - and as I walked in the door, the second call - the one in Spanish came.  The teacher/friend I was planning to meet with and I just decided to go ahead and have lunch together and then head home.  By the time we were served our food he had a call from his wife letting him know that it was getting bad - and by the time he got home he couldn't get all the way up his hilly driveway!

For all my friends and family from more northern climes - it hardly ever snows here in Chattanooga!  We all run out to buy bread and milk because we have a radio announcer who always tells us to as soon as it just threatens a snow flake!  We don't know how to drive in the snow.  There's not ever enough to get any practice, so when it does come it just shuts us down! 

I went to pick up Liga at work tonight so that she didn't have to drive home on the slick streets.  Alan and I walked down for dinner with Mom and I was saying that I was going to get Liga - she said, "Why don't you have Alan do that?"  My answer was because I'm a good driver in the snow.  But I gave that some more thought.  I know that I want to be an example to her that a woman can be strong and independent.  And car time often turns into good talk time.  The roads were slushy and slippery, but not too bad.  I guess they'll freeze tonight.  That's fine.  I'm sleeping in and then staying in tomorrow!

It's been a good week.

So here's the short of it,
I've worked all week, and am looking forward to a good weekend. 

And here's the long

Today was a full day.  I worked a full day, went to dinner with friends for the first time in a long time, and then went to a fellowship that Alan and I attend on a somewhat regular basis. I'm really tired, but feel really good about having such a full day.

Earlier in the week we were thinking that tomorrow might bring on some ice or snow, but now it's looking like it will just be a messy cold day.  I'm a spoiled teacher calendar person and was thinking how nice it would be to have a snow day and sleep in until very late and then get up and just poke around the house.  But it looks like it will be a regular work day and I'm all over the county for stuff, so it will be easy to get a chill if I'm not careful.  I'm going to be careful - for sure I don't need to be getting sick at this point!

My nose is starting to get really sore again.  I need to go back in the blog and see if I can find what I did the last time to get it started healing.  I remember that something worked like magic once I found it, but don't remember what it was.  I'll have time to do that over the weekend.

Last night when my toboggan hat came off, I didn't find myself waking up and trying to find it in the bed to get my head warm again.  And today for the first time, while I was in the office I was warm enough to not keep my hat on all the time.  My hair is not very long at all and it's not nearly as thick as it used to be, but it's enough hair to keep me warm enough to have my head bare at least sometimes when I'm inside.  I suppose if we get this really cold weather coming through tomorrow, I'll be keeping my head covered!

Doctor appointment today

So here's the short of it,
I had an appointment with my medical oncologist today.

And here's the long

I saw Dr. Schlabach today for my "next step" appointment. I had lots of questions, and I got lots of answers.  One more time, I feel so fortunate that we saw Janet Kramer-Mai that day after Dad had his surgery.  She knew Alan from his work on the Baroness Foundation Board and I think she could tell that I was having troubles that were more to do with comfort level than the illness itself.  She made a quick phone call and I was able to see Dr. Schlabach the next morning and within five minutes he had made me feel as though I could get through this.  He actually made me feel like he would be with me every step of the way.  


Today's appointment made me realize how grateful I am that I ended up under his care.  


So here's the gist of the appointment:


Neuropathy - I'm to stay on the Elavil for awhile. Apparently this is another one of those opportunities I've been given to become better acquainted with patience.  Nerve damage can take a long time to heal - apparently there can be nerve recovery for a year or more.  Some people do have permanent neuropathy.  My fingers are much better, and that makes me hopeful that my feet will continue to improve as well. 


Soy Products -  I've read and been told that I shouldn't eat soy because I've had breast cancer.  Since my tumor was estrogen positive, I am to be careful about ingesting all phytoestrogens.  Dr. Schlabach did tell me that I could have these foods once in awhile, but not to make them an everyday part of my diet.  


Herceptin Side Effects - Apparently the only real big side effect with Herceptin is the possibility of heart damage.  If heart damage occurs, they stop the Herceptin and the heart almost always returns to normal.  I asked what symptoms I should be aware of and it would appear as shortness of breath.  They'll also monitor my heart with a scan every three months. 


Coumadin -  It seems that I'll need to stay on the Coumadin for five or six months.  Several people were really concerned that I was eating greens and so I looked that up. Dr. Schlabach told me not to worry that since they are monitoring my PT/INR that they'll know if I'm out of whack.  It was really funny when he told me to eat healthy foods and not to obsess about greens.  I'm also cleared to continue taking my ginko supplement.  I've had benign positional vertigo for several years now and if I take a ginko supplement every day it doesn't bother me.  Once in awhile I'll think I can do without it and sure enough it comes right back when I stop.  So I'm really glad that ginko won't be problematic with coumadin. 


Stiffness and fatigue - A friend suggested that I see if I could get some weeks of physical therapy to help me get myself going again.  Dr. Schlabach's answer to that was that it would be much more beneficial for me to enroll in a structured exercise program.  I thought that was funny.  Of course that would be beneficial!  I should do that.  


Mammogram Schedule - I've been wondering what kind of follow up I should do - so I'm to have a mammogram again in May.  That will be a year since my surgery.  


Tumor Marker - I've heard people talk about tumor markers, so I asked if they'll be checking me using that.  They won't make that decision until after all my treatments are finished.  Apparently the reliability of tumor markers for my type of cancer may not be as reliable as with some other cancers. 

Arimidex - The next step in the treatment protocol now that radiation is over is to begin an estrogen blocker.  My tumor, in addition to being Her2 neu, was also Estrogen positive.  There are three or four possible drugs.  I was thinking maybe Tamoxifen, since it is less likely to cause osteoporosis, but when I asked which one, Dr. Schlabach said, "Well, it won't be Tamoxifen since you had that blood clot".  Arimidex it is and I'll be on it for 5 years.  There is some new research that indicates I might even stay on it longer than that.  I'll be going in for a baseline bone density very soon - then I'll have periodic check ups.



We also had a great conversation about the status of medical research.  It seems that cancer research is exploding.  He expects that within our lifetime people will not have to have surgery or maybe even radiation - there will be drugs which will be able to get rid of the tumors!  He even thinks that there will be a time when targeted drugs will take the place of chemotherapy.  Won't that be a wonderful day.  I wish we could sell tickets so that people could watch the research scientists!  Wouldn't it be great if tickets to a research session could cost as much as a ticket to an NFL game.  Oh what a dream. 

Contemplating moderation

So here's the short of it,

Moderation in all things may be one of the lessons I'm to take from this part of my journey. 

And here's the long

I was a lot more tired today than I thought I'd be.  I was so energetic yesterday, and I really didn't feel like I had overdone, but getting my bones out of bed this morning was pretty hard.  So I suppose I maybe overdid.  I suppose I don't know how to gauge that.  I'm going to work at pulling back a little and not going as fast as I'm able when I'm feeling well.

My appetite is returning.  My taster is still a little off.  I don't exactly know how to explain - lots of things are tasting pretty much as I remember them, but other things just taste too something.  It's never too salty, but sometimes it's too sour, sometimes too sweet, other times something that tasted fine the last time I tried it tastes funny.  I am hungry though.  For a long time I ate, but wasn't really hungry at all.  I'm glad to want to eat again.  I find myself wondering if I'll have new favorite foods - if this change will be more lasting?  One thing I'm thinking about is how moderation fits here.

 I have an appointment with my oncologist tomorrow.  I'm writing up a list of questions to ask and will report on that.  My chemo brain is making coming up with the list of questions hard.  I keep thinking what were all those things I said I was going to ask about!  Well I have all morning to contemplate on it.  Perhaps some more of it will come to me. 

I'm feeling better

So here's the short of it,

I am feeling better, and I can tell that my body is rebounding from the chemotherapy.  

And here's the long

I can tell that my body is beginning to try to return to normal.

The redness in the large radiation area is almost gone.  The skin is a bit darker, the area is more tender than the right side, and it's very dry.  The skin in the boost area is still pretty "hot".  It's red and itchy and dry and very tender to the touch.  The olive oil is doing a good job of keeping it moisturized. During the day my mind is so busy with things that I don't really notice any discomfort unless I bump into something.  But at night when I'm trying to calm down and get really still, I'm a little more likely to notice the burny, itchy, - oh, don't roll over that way feeling.  I've found that taking Tylenol at bedtime helps a whole lot with that. I am beginning to notice some fleeting moments of shooting pain in my treated breast.  Apparently that is very normal, but it's just now beginning for me.

My hair is coming back.  The hair on my head might be 1/4 inch long now.  I have a cowlick on the right side which I have absolutely never noticed before, but at this length it's very apparent.  I can also see the growth pattern of my hair - something I've never really contemplated.  The hair on the top of my head grows toward the middle from bothe sides making the beginnings of a Kewpie doll do.  The hair on the sides at about the same height as my temple grows forward toward my face, and then the hair below that and in the back of my head below my crown grows down.  Who knew! 

I have eyebrows and eyelashes again, but they are not mine!  At least that's what I think every time I look in the mirror.  They are really different.  My eyebrows are not the same color that they used to be, and the hair seems thicker - both a thicker hair shaft as well as just more hair.  My eyelashes have grown back thicker, straighter, and at least for the time being shorter than before.  I have hair coming back on my arms.  My underarms and legs don't seem to have much hair coming back yet. I'm sure that will come with time. 

One of the things that happened during chemotherapy was that my chronic skin irritations just disappeared. I've never really known what they are, maybe psoriasis or eczema or just dermatitis.  I think I got that from Dad!  Like him I have to use products for sensitive skin. And over the years my primary care physicians and dermatologists have given me a variety of creams and salves to use on the places.  As soon as the weather gets cold and I'm not getting sun on my skin, I start to break out.  I also have what's known in our family as the Howard itchy back.  Dad had it, both of my brothers have it, as do I!  It's great to get a back scratching from one of them, because they know exactly what kind of scratching to do.  Anyway, all of that was gone.  Dr. Schlabach told me that chemotherapy had been used in the past to treat very severe cases of one or the other of these diseases, but that they have much better treatments without such side effects now.  So I'm beginning to get some small patchy rashes back and I'm beginning to feel a little of the Howard itchy back syndrome.  I can't say that's really exciting, but it does let me know that my body is moving ever so slowly back to the normal or as I've been told or warned my "new normal". 

The neuropathy is still very apparent in my feet.  I don't have any numbness in my fingers anymore, but I'm still pretty clumsy when it comes to really fine motor coordination.  I have trouble with coins, my small earrings, and such.  I'm also not really good at gauging temperature with my fingers yet.  My feet are maybe beginning to be a little better, but they are still very far from normal.  They always feel like they are just waking up from being asleep.  They get so cold, and they are so sensitive to being bumped.  I was walking around in my sock feet earlier tonight and I accidently kicked one of Sophie's bones - it hurt!  I also seem to have better balance when I'm just walking around.  I still make sure I have a handrail or a hand if I'm going up or down stairs.  I'm also wondering if I'll get back my barefooting.  I think one of the things I've always enjoyed about spring is when it gets warm enough to go outside without shoes.  I wouldn't dare do that now.  Maybe by the time it gets warm, I'll be there.

I've heard many friends and colleagues over the years talk about something called chemo brain. Sometimes I can really feel it.  My thought processes are slower; I have much more difficulty multitasking; and I often can't get a very common word to come to mind.  The most embarrassing part of this is when I see someone I've worked with, lived near, or known for years and can't get their name to come to me.  I'm hoping it will improve, although some of my friends say it has stayed with them. 

There are a few more things going on, I'll get to those in another post.  For right now, I'm feeling like I'm making great progress. 

So here's the short of it,
I'm a bit less tired.

And here's the long

I seem to have had a bit more energy today.  I took an Atavan last night before I went to bed, and had a good sleep.  I've read some kind of negative things about it, but since I'm not taking it very often, and it really helps me relax, I'm fine.  Today I read on the Breast Cancer site that exercise actually helps combat the fatigue that comes with the chemotherapy and radiation.  I took Sophie out for a walk when there was a break in the rain this afternoon.  Of course she got really muddy playing with her girlfriends who live on the circle,  so she got a shower when we came back in.  I made a discovery.  Lots of her fur, even some places where it's white, is really dark and only colored on the tips of the hair shaft.  I didn't notice this when she was younger. 

I've tried several things to calm the burning left over from the boost radiation.  Neither the petroleum jelly Dr, Gefter recommended nor the unpetroleum jelly that I made help at all.  The corn starch works OK but I've finally settled on using olive oil.  I heard an older woman on the radio talking about having never used cosmetics because her skin was so sensitive.  She said her beauty routine was to wash her face every night and use olive oil.  I thought, well, that's worth a try!  It's done better than anything else so that's what I'm using for now.  I'm also keeping that piece of gauze at the place where the band of my bra rubs on the burn - or if I don't have on a bra, it's skin against skin.  (Thanks for that suggestion Aunt Frances).  I'm also taking some tylenol every once in awhile.  This all seems to be helping me stay pretty comfortable now, with just a few episodes of discomfort.

 This Wednesday I have an appointment with my medical oncologist, Dr. Schlabach.  I've got lots of questions for him.  I know for sure we'll be talking about the next drug on the list which will be Tamoxifen or an Aromatase inhibitor.  I don't really know when that will occur.  I had thought it would not begin until after I finished Herceptin, and I have 21 more weeks of that - but I never asked.  Some other patients have told me that it begins right away after the radiation.  It will be whatever it will be!

So here's the short of it,
If I'm really really exhausted, I wonder why I can't sleep?


And here's the long

I didn't sleep very well at all last night.  Something was bothering me, and I have absolutely no idea what it might have been.  It seemed as though I only slept about an hour and a half, but I'm sure that if I'd been hooked up to a sleep study machine it would have been more than that.  I tossed and turned.  The house was quiet.  Everyone else was sound asleep, the kitty and big baby dog who both sleep very near me, were snoozing away, and I just couldn't get the buzzing feeling gone to relax enough to sleep - but my tiredness doesn't seem to be related to sleep.


Today I went for a deep tissue massage at  Center Medspa.  Kelly Mantovani was my massage therapist, and she certainly lived up to her resume.  She worked me good from the back of my neck/head, all the way down to my lower back and hips where I have that constant pain.  Her technique was pretty amazing.  When she was working on some of the places at the back of my head, she must have been working on some kind of meridians. Once when she was working on my left side, I could feel the pressure all the way down my spine into my right foot.  Another time when she was in a different spot on the back of my head, I could feel it across the middle of the right side of my back.  Anyway, she was absolutely amazing.  I'll do that again before too long.

Today I discovered something I thought was worth sharing.  Heart Threads is a brand of T-shirt which has a message printed on the inside.  So it's just for the wearer not an advertisement.  I love that idea of having something written for me to think on all day long. It's kind of like my quote collection.  Or the box of quotes my Aunts and Mom sent me for radiation or the quote cards my friends from Memphis sent my way.  I think it's a really great idea.

So here's the short of it,
Today is Dad's birthday.


And here's the long

I continue to have this utter exhaustion.  This morning I had every intention of working a full day..... and I don't even remember turning off the alarm clock.  When I woke, it was 9:30 so I just took my time and  turned it into a half day.  This tiredness isn't like anything I've ever experienced before.  I remember being very tired after staying up til all hours (when I was a lot younger) - it's not like that.  I know that extreme tiredness after working hard in the house or yard all day - it's not like that either.  It's not even like the tired of working two jobs.  I can't really relate it to anything I've ever known.  It's in my brain as well - I don't seem to think as fast or clearly, and I just long for sleep even though I'm not really sleepy, just oh so tired! 

This is Dad's birthday.  He would have been 85 years old.  Since I got up so late, Mom and I went to the cemetery just before lunch and put some flowers on his grave.  Mom had red roses, Dad's favorite, for the church service last Sunday in honor of his birthday, and today she took a four of them with us to decorate his grave. He was so at peace with the decision he had made to be buried in the National Cemetery, so in that way it's a comfort to visit him there on the side of that hill. 

It's such a strange passage to have his birthday come and go, and not hear his voice or have a piece of birthday cake with him.  It still just doesn't seem possible that he's not with us in person. 

First free day

So here's the short of it,
My first day without radiation was good, but I'm pretty tired.

And here's the long

I had forgotten to turn off my phone alarm today which reminded me all those days that I had 30 minutes to finish what I was doing and get in my car and get over to radiation!  And about that time, my car just wanted to head right toward the radiation center!  I had just imagined that since I was so relieved to be finished, that it would go right out of my head. 

This morning I used a gentle soap but no scrubbing whatsoever on the treated area.  I also followed doctors orders and used petroleum jelly on the whole treated area.  Actually that's not true, I used unpetroleum jelly.  The permanent marker is almost gone from that treatment, but it didn't turn out to be very comfortable.  I was actually more uncomfortable  - so I just reconsidered and I'm going to use the Radia-guard for a few days anyway.  It has lidocaine in it so it really got me through the day without having my uncomfortable left breast at the forefront of my mind while I was trying to work.  I also took my Aunt Frances' advice.  I have a blister right where the band of the tank top built in bra is.  I lathered up good with Radia-guard and put a big piece of gauze between my skin and that elastic band.  That helped too!

I'm still so tired.  On my way home today I just felt so tired.  When I got home, I just faded and napped.  Dr. Gefter told me I'd start regaining my strength and I'd notice a difference from week to week.  I'm eager to have some of my endurance back, and I'm delighted that we've got a weekend coming up!  I have to get up and work tomorrow, but Saturday I'll sleep LOTS! 

Thanks to everyone who has kept me in prayer.  I know that gave me strength to go day after day.

Radiation Complete!

So here's the short of it,

My radiation therapy is complete.  And I am so grateful that I came through it so well.

And here's the long

My radiation treatments have been made much more bearable by the great people who work in radiation at the Erlanger Cancer Treatment Center.  Every day I walked in the door I was greeted with such positive energy that I just have to believe it made a difference.  Here's a thanks to each and every one!  What a great and wonderful healing place.

So here's the short of it,
Countdown!  One more radiation treatment left tomorrow afternoon! 

And here's the long

I am really excited.  I have one more boost treatment tomorrow.  My skin is pretty tender and burned, but I think I'm going to get through this without the really difficult blistering and burning that so many people face.  The good old standby cornstarch has done a really good job.  I think one of the things I will really enjoy is allowing the permanent magic marker lines to just disappear.  I have an appointment with my radiation oncologist tomorrow right after my treatment.  I can't wait to learn how soon I can put soap on my skin - allow the shower water to actually fall directly on the treated skin - and wear deodorant again!

Tonight Aunt Joyce came down to Chattanooga to take Mom to her appointment with the dermatologist tomorrow since that's at the same time as my two treatments.  Alan, Valdis, and I went down to have dinner with them.  There was a present for me from my two sweet Aunts. A 2010 Maxine Desk Calendar.  It should keep me laughing even when I don't feel like it.  Thanks Aunt Joyce and Aunt Frances!

Countdown 2!

So here's the short of it,
With the countdown very close, I've made a cancer brother contact. 

And here's the long

Today was a holiday so this will only be a four day work week, and looking at my schedule, right now it doesn't appear that it will be hectic, so I should be in pretty good shape. And I'll be finished on Wednesday!  I understand that it takes about 6 weeks for strength to really return.  My skin in the larger radiation area, but not the boost area is beginning to "cool down".  I have two areas that are pretty uncomfortable. The inside part of my nipple is in the boost area, and it is so sore and tender that it's in my consciousness all the time.  Today for the first time, the skin on the lower inside of my breast where skin rubs against skin has become very uncomfortable.  I still consider myself so lucky not to have had any skin degradation to amount to anything.  Just two more!

I used to work with someone who always said "there's no such thing as coincidence".  Today, I went to my radiation appointment early.  I usually go in the afternoon.  I started that so that on Wednesday's I can line up my doctor's appointments and two treatments one right after another and only miss a 1/2 day of work.  It's better for the radiation team if I stay in about the same time slot as much as possible.  Anyway, they agreed to work me in this morning because I had thought that Liga was going to go with me.  It turned out that she wanted to go either Tuesday or Wednesday!  Anyway I got there and made myself at home in the little warm waiting room inside and had to wait longer than usual since I was a work in today.  So to my surprise, I got to meet the gentleman whose wife I met the other day.  He and I have had a very similar treatment path, except I'm just a few weeks ahead of him.  We have the same doctors except for the surgeon - so we had lots to talk about.  I'm almost done with radiation, and he's just getting started; I have Herceptin on Wednesdays, and he gets that on Mondays.  We left each other contact information, so perhaps we'll stay in touch.

I want to pass along one thing he shared with me. He said that in all the time he had gone to doctors, he had never been told that there was a possibility he could get breast cancer.  He said no doctor had ever examined his breasts.  He also said that he thought if he had done a self exam, he would have found his tumor earlier.  So this next is for you guys who are reading this.  Breast Cancer in men  - "Like all cells of the body, a man's breast duct cells can undergo cancerous changes. But breast cancer is less common in men because their breast duct cells are less developed than those of women and because their breast cells are not constantly exposed to the growth-promoting effects of female hormones."  If you notice a lump in your breast tissue, guys, go see your doctor. 

The weariness continues!

So here's the short of it,

I'm very tired, and I'm eager for these last 3 radiation treatments to be over.

And here's the long

Today didn't turn out to be a day of rest.  I keep remembering that everyone I've talked to has said that the fatigue from radiation is pretty overwhelming.  I'm really feeling that tiredness.  As I continue to grow more weary, the countdown gets closer and closer.  That makes it so much easier.  The boost area is really letting me know it's there tonight.  However, I still know how lucky I am that I haven't had much skin degradation. Three more treatments - I can do that.  The Radia-guard is helping some, and I'm taking Tylenol.
 
I wanted to let everyone who lives in the Chattanooga area or visits from time to time know about the online auction to benefit the Mary Ellen Locher Breast Center at Memorial.  It's called  Pink! Online Auction.  The Mary Ellen Locher Breast Center is where my breast cancer was discovered. 

Still tired.

So here's the short of it,
I'm so tired!!!


And here's the long

Alan won yesterday's bet.  Sophie had a barking spell early this morning that woke me, but after she quit I was able to go back to sleep.  Then about 9:30 she got excited about something and woke me up, and I couldn't go back to sleep. Of course now I'm up and she's snoozing away.  I should wake her up I suppose.

This afternoon Alan and I had a nice visit with Mommy Anne.  She still has a bit of cough, but seems some better.  Then later we went to have a blueberry pancake dinner with Mom; Liga was up and went with us. 
I've started trying to walk and take Sophie with me.  This afternoon she enjoyed a good amount of rough and tumble play time with three of the other girl dogs in the neighborhood as I walked around the circle in the grey sprinkly afternoon.  She and Molly, an English Lab three houses over found a bottle from someone's chocolate milk.  They were so funny.  One would get the bottle and run around all over the place while the other one chased.  Then the other one would manage to grab the bottle, and give chase.  They seemed to have such fun doing that.  She is always so much calmer in the evening when she has some good play time. 

I am incredibly tired.  Not sleepy tired, but just so tired exhausted.  I'm thinking that must the the effects of the radiation and I only have 3 more of those to go! 

3 more to go!

So here's the short of it,
The radiation treatment countdown continues --- 3 more to go!


And here's the long

I am so tired.  I've worked every day this week except for a 1/2 day on Wednesday when I was at Erlanger for treatments for as long as I would have worked.  I'm going to really sleep in for these next days.  Tomorrow I hope I can sleep til noon....  Alan laughed and said that Sophie would never let me sleep that late.  We'll see.

Today when I got to radiation they couldn't get the machine to recognize that it was in the exact right position on my skin to give the radiation dose.  It's so interesting to me how the human and machine check one another to assure that I get only the exact amount of radiation pointed at the exact target.  My dose lessened today as a precaution for my heart - and somehow the computer that controls the machine would not come on and allow me to be treated because it said that the machine and I were not lined up in the exact right way.  They had to go out of the room to the master machine and reload the coordinates provided by the physics department to get the machine to be programmed exactly right.  In the meantime a young woman who is a nursing student from Chattanooga State was there.  They get to do a rotation in all the departments that have to do with imaging.  I couldn't really see her because I was already in "the position" (on the table, arms above me with hands on those bicycle handle things, and my head turned, with the cone cranked down within inches of my left breast.  Ashley, who was one of my technicians almost the whole time during my regular treatments was giving her the tour, and I got to have a nice visit while she explained everything that was going on.  She's a really knowledgeable and personable young woman.  Everyone in the whole department is great.  Dr. Gefter said before I ever started the treatments that their staff was of very high quality.  He was sure right about that. 

I will be really glad when my treatments are over, but I've gotten to know these folks so well, that in some ways I'll really miss them. 

The image to the right is not the same machine that is used for my treatment, but the protruding portion is very similar to the "cone" that is used for my boost treatment.  It comes down very close to my breast and my block cut out is put into it. 

  

Only 4 More!

So here's the short of it,
Countdown - 4 more radiation treatments to go!!!

And here's the long

When I first learned that I would have to have 38 radiation treatments I thought it would seem to be forever. I can hardly believe that so much time has passed and I only have 4 more radiation treatments left!  How can that possibly be? Starting tomorrow the strength of the radiation will be decreased.  It is a precaution to protect my heart function.  My skin is still holding up remarkably well according to the technicians.  I've seen pictures which I am not going to provide links to that show really  bad burns and open sores as side effects of the radiation.  My own experience has been far less traumatic so far.  I am more burned every day, but with only 4 more treatments to go, I think I'll escape the worst of it.  I am now using the radia guard lotion - it has some lidocaine in it and that along with the tylenol is helping me tolerate the discomfort.

I asked today if I could begin using deodorant since the target area for the boost radiation doesn't include my underarm.  I feel like such a stinky pot!  And the answer is a resounding no!  I have to allow the skin to "cool down" for at least two weeks before I start using deodorant, so I'll just continue to be a stinker.  People around me are either being very nice, or really don't smell me, but I can sure tell! 

It seems from my research that it will take from 6 months to a year for my skin to recover, and there is some possibility that the skin, especially in the area of the boost may not entirely return to normal.  Then it seems that my new normal whenever I reach that may be quite different from the old normal.  But I think that will be just fine. 

Radiation commentary

So here's the short of it,
Today I took some time to reflect on the complexity of the radiation treatment.


And here's the long

I'm really beginning to get excited.  I have only 5 more radiation treatments left!  Today was a doctor day.  I also only have one more regular weekly appointment with my wonderful radiation oncologist! He's very pleased with the shape my skin is in, although I'm beginning to feel a little overbaked on that left side, and I'm redder than I think I've ever been from sun exposure except for that time in college when five of us thought we'd "lay out" with a big box fan to keep us cool.  My fair skin needed that heat to tell me when to come in out of the sun . Was I ever blistered!

Today I was a little more relaxed time-wise in the radiation treatment and so I asked a few questions about the boost procedure.  I got a good explanation of the "blocker".  It's called an electron blocker.  A physicist works with the radiation oncologist on mapping the area to be radiated and designing the blocker.  I've never met this physicist; but he/she has certainly been instrumental in my treatment.  The shape of the beam is designed to match the shape of the excision area; then a pattern in that shape and size is cut from styrofoam and placed in the mold.  Then an alloy that has a lower melting point than steel is used to pour into the mold making a plate with a hole the shape of the treatment area.

The blocker is a solid metal shape that has my shape on it.  I'm fascinated with all the stuff that goes into just making the mold. I didn't get a chance to ask yet if there are other employees who do the molding or if the technicians do that as well.  I'm going to ask if I can get a peek in the block making room, but I noticed that some of the supplies have to do with hazardous materials so that may not be possible.

Anyway the blocker goes on the bottom of what they call a cone - really a long attachment to the part of the radiation machine that emits the beam.  When they get the set up done, the blocker is just a small distance away from my skin.  I should remember to ask tomorrow how close; it feels like it's about an inch from my skin.  I'm not really sure how long the beam is, but I don't think length of time is as important as the strength of the beam.  In my first series, Ashley, one of the technicians told me that the amount of electric current is not always the same and that the machines are programmed to deliver the right dose and so the treatment time may vary by seconds to assure the exact dosage of radiation.  Anyway, this machine and the process is enough different that I can't tell when the beam starts and when it ends, but it doesn't take very much time at all, because the set up is so much quicker. 

I also had Herceptin today.  Today was treatment number 30.  I'm over half way through those as well.  Only 22 more left.  Lori reminds me that there are people who have been getting Herceptin weekly for a long, long time and are doing very well.  They have one patient who has been getting weekly Herceptin for 8 years and she is doing just fine.  Dr. Schlabach is committed to do the Herceptin on a weekly basis, whereas many medical oncologists do it every three weeks which means a higher dose.  Lori says that they haven't had patients experience heart problems with weekly Herceptin dosing.  I'm feeling pretty good about all that since heart damage is really the biggest worry in terms of side effects. Anyway so far none of that!

My blood counts are returning to normal and I think that's why I'm feeling so much better.  I'm pretty tired though.  I think I'll be so glad for a long weekend.  

Radiation count down

So here's the short of it,
I just want to ramble about work and my radiation count down.

And here's the long

Today I had an interesting experience at radiation.  I checked in and took myself into the interior waiting room because it is so much warmer.  There was an older woman (I'm laughing at myself because I'm sure lots of the other patients call me an older woman)...anyway, she was older than me, and even though my wait was very short I discovered that her husband was in treatment for breast cancer.  It turns out that he has the same doctors I do, and that he's a Monday Chemotherapy patient so I've never seen them before.  He has the Her2 neu cancer that I have and will also be on Herceptin for the rest of the year.  She wanted to ask me lots of questions because I'm a bit ahead of him in the schedule, but they called me back very quickly, and they were gone when I was finished.  Today was a very quick visit.  I was probably in and out of the whole thing in about 20 minutes.  And now I only have 6 more to go!

I had a very productive work day today.  I had a very early morning meeting and wondered if there was any possible way I could get myself out of bed in time to make it, but with a little nudge from Alan and two alarms, I managed.  So maybe I'll straighten out my mixed up nights and days after all!  Anyway, I really dove into my work situation, and I am so behind!  I feel like I've time traveled and have landed in the future.   I guess I can measure how much work I missed by thinking of the days and hours I was away or by thinking of the things that happened and the decisions that were made and the new directions things have gone.  Either way it's been a long time!  But some days it feels more like the time was longer and other days it feels as though I wasn't really gone that long but lots of stuff happened that I'm not caught up on! Altogether, it feels pretty good to be back at work.  Although I will admit that I'm awfully tired!

We have another 3 day weekend coming up because of the ML King holiday, and I've been thinking about how lucky I've been in these last rounds of radiation.  We ended up missing a day because of snow last weekend giving me a three day weekend and then this week , so here at the end when the radiation is making me really tired, I'm getting extra time to rest. 

New mapping

So here's the short of it,
My new mapping has been done for my radiation boost.

And here's the long

This morning I reported for my new mapping for the radiation boost.  The purpose of the boost is to radiate the area of surgical excision as a insurance against any of those left behind cancer cells.  I had two areas of cancer.  One was the small tumor which was Invasive Ductal Carcinoma; the other was a much larger area which was Ductal Carcinoma In Situ. My surgeon used the metaphor of a watermelon slice to describe the area which was removed.  It is situated on the inner area of my left breast.  So the boost is only to that area. However, it is a fairly large area comparatively, I understand. 

The same kind of machine that I've been using will be used for the boost. The image shows it turned to one side.  For all of my treatments up to now it was turned to one side and then to the other.  For the boost, it will remain straight up and they will attach a what they call a cone to it. The cone is not really cone shaped, but a long rectangle contraption which holds a metal plate about 5 X 5 which has a cut out in the shape they are going to radiate.  The cut out is about the size of my hand.  Today during the mapping, they traced the shape they will radiate in permanent marker on my breast.  This time around, instead of lining me up with the lasers they just line up the light coming through the plate with the lines they've got drawn on my breast.  Then it is only one radiation burst instead of one on each side of the breast.  I'm counting down.  Unless something keeps me from getting a treatment, I'll be done next Wednesday!

Right now my breast tissue from my upper chest to my under arm and to the bottom perimeter of my breast looks like I have a pretty good sunburn. I have no blistering right now, and my upper chest area is not hurting with my continuous use of the hydrocortisone cream.  The smaller boost area will get 4 large doses and 4 smaller doses of radiation.  I understand that I won't really even be able to tell the difference.  I've heard horror stories of women who suffer terrible blistering and pain with the radiation.  I am grateful that I've come this far along with my treatments and I'm really in pretty good shape. 

Tired but feeling good

So here's the short of it,
I'm very tired, and I'm looking forward to my new mapping tomorrow. 

And here's the long

I slept late again today.  I woke up at 9:00 and said to myself, that I should see if I could go back to sleep until 10.  I didn't wake until almost 11:00.  Even though I'm feeling much better, I am so tired.  I understand that the fatigue is radiation related.  I also had a bout of diarrhea over the weekend.  I looked it up and apparently that can also be related to radiation.  I was out doing errands with Mom when I started to have these really hard abdominal cramps.  That part was very different from the diarrhea I've had all this time before.  Anyway, we finished up what we were doing, and I got Mom home.  I got inside and to her bathroom just in time for me to avoid a huge mess to deal with.  I came straight on home and took generic immodium and just stayed near the bathroom.  By late evening I was fine. 

Today I began to think of how close I'm getting to the end of my radiation!  My chest has been burning and itching, but the 1% hydrocortisone that I'm allowed to use keeps it from being too awfully uncomfortable.  I'm also pretty sure that when the new mapping is done tomorrow, it won't include the chest area that right now is so uncomfortable, so it should continue to heal. 

I'm eager to see my new mark up tomorrow and where my boost area is going to be. I'm not going to borrow trouble, so I'll wait until tomorrow to see exactly where those lines are and I'll report on that tomorrow night.  In the meantime, I did buy the Radia-guard lotion on Friday to have it on hand, but so far I haven't started using it, as the cornstarch has been keeping me pretty comfortable.

Sleep

So here's the short of it,
Sleep is good.  I'm trying to remember that it's OK to be lazy right now. 

And here's the long

Today has been a short day.  I took an Ativan to help me sleep last night and didn't get up until noon today! I don't really like to take sleeping aids, so the Doctor prescribed the Ativan and asked me to try it.  I've only used it on the weekend, because it really does make me sleep!  It hasn't helped me with getting to sleep earlier.  I think I'm going to have to take it earlier!  This afternoon, I was really pretty much of a lazy slug.  I did take a nice long shower though. 

I took a good look at my radiation area in the mirror today.  It looks like I have a pretty bad sunburn, and I'm  a bit blistered around my nipple.  It's still not terribly uncomfortable.  I think the fact that I'm not trying to wear a bra may be helping it stay comfortable.  I've been just wearing cotton undershirts, and keeping the cornstarch on several times a day.  My upper chest is getting the 1% hydrocortizone and that it's helping enormously to keep the itching and burning under control.  Monday I get a new mapping procedure, and I understand that the new area will be much smaller.  That will give the other part of my chest and breast area some time to begin to heal.

Tomorrow I hope to sleep in again. Although I worked full days all last week, I was pretty tired by Thursday and was very glad for the day and 1/2 out of school for snow. They are saying we may have more snow toward the end of next week.  That would work for me!

Good Advice

So here's the short of it,
The piece below was sent to me by a much loved cousin.  I hope you enjoy it. The  picture and post can also be found at the Sierra Ranch Blog.

And here's the long

Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.

Keep skunks and bankers at a distance.

Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.

A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.

Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not yelled.

Meanness don't jes' happen overnight.

Forgive your enemies; it messes up their heads.

Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.

It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.

You cannot unsay a cruel word.

Every path has a few puddles.

When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.

The best sermons are lived, not preached.

Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway.

Don't judge folks by their relatives.

Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.

Live a good, honorable life.. Then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.

Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't bothering you none.

Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a Rain dance.

If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.

Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.

The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin'.

Always drink upstream from the herd.

Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.

Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in..

If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog  around..

Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply.  Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.
--

Snow Day

So here's the short of it,
Today's snow day made me think about driving in the snow.

And here's the long

Today we got a bit of snow.  It wasn't much, but it's been so cold that it quickly began to stick to the roads.  Of course since we live in a part of the country where it rarely snows, no one knows how to drive in it, and it is treacherous to be out on the roads because of the poor drivers.  At any rate, we were notified by 11:00 AM that school would be dismissing early, and by 4:30 this evening the decision had been made to call off school for tomorrow as well.  Since I work on a teacher calendar, I'm getting a 31/2 day weekend.  That should give me some much needed rest. I've felt really good working this week, but as the end of the week approached I certainly began to feel weary.  I hope the roads are clear enough for me to get in for my radiation treatment tomorrow.  It's my last "large area" treatment, so I'm eager to get it done. 

As I was driving in the snow today and thinking about how difficult it is for people here to drive in these conditions, my mind flashed to Dad.  I realized that all those years of being in the car with Dad as he drove in the snow were as important to my learning as the few years that I lived and drove in areas of the country where there was much more snow than we ever have here in Chattanooga.  I can clearly remember how Dad would slow down, steer out of a little bit of slide on the slick road, or downshift to get up a hill. I experienced all that as a passenger with Dad modeling the right way to drive in the snow and ice long before I ever was old enough to sit behind a steering wheel. So I have an advantage over all those folks who grew up here in Chattanooga.  Even if their fathers and mothers were good or excellent drivers, they would have rarely had an opportunity to have good snow driving techniques modeled for them.  I think I was employed in Hawkins County because of a snow story.  We moved there in mid year (mid school year).  There was an opening for an English teacher, and I got an interview, but school was canceled because of a pretty big snow.  I drove about 30 miles from Kingsport to Rogersville, TN in that snow - the roads were pretty bad too.  When I arrived at the central office, the gentleman who interviewed me said over and over again that he just could not believe I drove in the snow, especially when school had been canceled.  Anyway, here's a great thanks that I had those years of being a passenger in Dad's car. 

Good doctor reports today

So here's the short of it,
I only have two more large area radiation treatments. 

And here's the long

Today I had treatments and doctors all afternoon, so it was another 1/2 day sick leave.  My herceptin treatment went well.  I'm tolerating the IV in the hand or arm just fine.  It's a bit more painful for a few seconds going in than the port was, but it's certainly doable!  I had to go in earlier than usual for my treatment today, because I was scheduled late in the radiation rotation.  Usually there are not many people at all in the infusion center when I'm there late in the afternoon, but it was probably half full this afternoon.  I enjoyed visiting with the wife of a gentleman who was being treated.  He has had two episodes of brain tumors, the second one being inoperable.  He was treated by my radiologist in a technique that his wife described as a radiation surgery.  He was put in a halo to keep him from moving even a millimeter and then the radiation beam was very carefully planned to hit only the tumor and he was radiated for 30 minutes.  He is now receiving a new drug which has only been available for about a year, which is designed specifically for tumors that appear in the brain.  He was very quiet and seemed tired.  His wife seemed to be such a support for him.  It was really nice to chat with them and have a little small window into their lives. 

My radiation appointment today included my weekly visit with Dr. Gefter.  Both machines were working so it went very quickly.  I had Alan, the technician who is known for his cold hands, as one of my team today.  I can't see who is touching me because of the position my head is in, but both of them were positioning me.  I said "Alan, are you touching me?  That can't be you; your hands are so warm."  Both of them chuckled and said that every single patient today had commented on how warm his hands were today.  He said he was so cold in the workspace that he wore long underwear today and he thought that had kept his hands warm! 

Dr. Gefter is extremely pleased with how my skin is holding up.  With the exception of the area on my upper chest, I seem to be doing much better than most.  This skin on my breast is turning quite red and very dry, but so far it's not really uncomfortable.  I only have two more regular radiation treatments!  I am very excited.  After Thursday and Friday my next 8 treatments will be what is called the "boost".  It is much more narrowly targeted so it won't involve such a large area.  Dr. Gefter says we won't really know until Monday when the new area is mapped and planned, but he thinks the area on my chest that is currently so irritated probably won't even be in the radiation field for the boost.  I'm feeling really grateful that I've come through this so well this far. 

By the way, all my blood counts are looking good, including the PT/INR which monitors my coumadin. I'm still a tad anemic, but I'm way closer to normal than I've been in many, many weeks, which probably explains my renewed stamina.  Dr. Gefter thinks the winter break probably gave me some much needed rest after the blood clot crisis as well. 

So here's the short of it,
Work and treatments all went well.

And here's the long

I guess I know that my new normal doesn't have to be the very same as my old normal.  But I feel so much more like my old self today than I have in so many weeks and months that it's tempting to think that pretty soon it will be just like it was before. Today, our second day back at work from the break, was a big special education in-service at one of our schools with a big auditorium.  It felt so good to be in the auditorium, hear my wonderful colleagues review those crazy rules and regulations that make us pull our hair out (ha, ha, that's not why mine's gone), and just be around the professionals that I work with. I'm so fortunate to work with so many good and capable people. Another thing I noticed today is that I seem to have more stamina.  I don't really have lots more energy, but I didn't tire out nearly so fast.  My walking is getting better too.  My biggest problem is still steps and it's easier going up than going down.  The other time I have to be careful is when I first stand up - I can easily get off balance if I don't get my feet situated just right. 

I scheduled my radiation today to coincide with my lunch break, figuring I could just run down to the hospital, get my treatment and be back before the after lunch sessions began..... it did not happen that way.  The second machine is still not working so once again all the patients who normally are scheduled on 2 machines had to be alternated through the one machine that was working.  The technicians were really focused and working to make it go as quickly as possible.  But about the time I got there, the one working machine broke down and had to be fixed so I had to wait.  One more time I was in the small waiting room out of the cold.  This time a woman that I've passed in the hallway almost every day, but never seen in the waiting room came in after her treatment and sat down.  I had been chatting with her husband, a very interesting fellow.  She just wanted to talk, and she began to talk about when her mother and father passed away.  She remembered almost hourly the three days before her father died, and as she spoke, it seemed as though she was describing something that happened just a few months ago, instead of more than ten years ago.  It made me pause...

So here's the short of it,
Radiation was extremely emotional today.

And here's the long

Today one of the machines at radiation was broken, so all the patients had to be rotated through the one working machine.  That made for a much longer wait than usual.  When I arrived, the waiting room was especially cold since outside air rushes in every time someone comes in the door, so I went in to a small room that they have set up inside the hallway that's away from the wind. In the big waiting room the chairs and sofas are really spread out and it's big and not particularly inviting. Generally people smile and nod at one another, and maybe do a bit of small talk, but there's not lots of conversation.  This waiting room inside is just a small room with a TV and several chairs and is a much more intimate setting. 

There was a gentleman there when I arrived who was in quite a talkative mood.  He reminded me a whole lot of  some of the people I grew up around - kind, gentle folks with a bit of hillbilly ways. He seemed about my age. We chatted for a bit about our radiation and chemotherapy treatments, especially how bad Taxotere can be and some of it's horrible side effects;  then he asked me what kind of pain medication they were giving me.  I responded that I had been awfully sick from my chemotherapy, but that I really wasn't experiencing much pain.  He said that he had lung cancer and that he was in an awful lot of pain.  I was struck by my good fortune to not be having pain.  Then he told me he had just come from his pain doctor earlier.  He said the doctor told him that his cancer was going to kill him.  He had put it out of his mind and was not thinking of it and the doctor told him that he needed to talk with his family - that he could live for 5 or 6 more years or 5 or 6 more months, but that his cancer was going to kill him.  I don't remember what I said, but I was struck like someone punching me in the stomach. He talked for another 4 or 5 minutes as though he was reliving that moment in his doctor's office when he really realized that his cancer would be fatal.  He seemed like such a nice person.  Part of me wanted to reach over and touch him - just one human to another.  Maybe somehow he knew that. 

Then, a couple came in -  she sat down and her husband asked her if she wanted a coke.  He left to go to the vending area and she began to cry.  She said that she just didn't think she could take any more, that she had been married to him for 46 years and she just didn't think she could take any more. She seemed so angry and so distraught, and said that she just didn't care anymore.  She shared that her doctor had told her she could go back to work but that she just wasn't ready yet - that she needed more time.  Another patient in the room asked her how far along her treatments were, and she said, "Oh, I'm not the one with the cancer, it's my husband.  If I had cancer, I'd just have to lay down and die, I couldn't take it."  I know I didn't say anything.  I thought about my companion in the chair next to me who had just shared his horrible truth with a complete stranger.  And I wondered what kind of hardship it would take to make a person just give up.  I thought of my co-worker and chemo/radiation sister who just this morning reminded me how good this medicine is even though it is so hard - she is a many year survivor of two cancer episodes.  And I especially thought about how lucky I am to have so many things in my life that make me want to live!

So here's the short of it,
Sleeping in and dental problems


And here's the long

I went to bed fairly early for me last night, and I slept really late this morning.  I had a little help.  I talked to Dr. Gefter about how difficult it's been for me to get to sleep at night, and he prescribed a gentle sleep aid for me.  Last night was the first time I've used it, and considering how long I slept, I suppose I will only use it on the weekends!  Today, I actually had a little more energy than I've had in a long time.  I even managed to do a couple of little (very little) jobs around the house, and feel good about that. 

Tonight we went to Mom's for dinner.  Cousin Mia wanted to bring dinner in to Mom's, so we joined them for a lovely potato-corn chowder and had a nice visit as well.  While we were there, one of my molars cracked!  I'll have to get in an emergency visit with the dentist tomorrow, as well as keeping my mid-afternoon radiation treatment, and attend a called meeting mid morning tomorrow at our central office. 
I'll be pretty busy! 

Tonight it's pretty quiet here.  Alan's already asleep; Liga's in her room watching something on Hulu; Lola's warming up my bed; and Sophie's across the room sound asleep.  I'm going to head for the bed pretty quickly myself! 

Looking Forward

So here's the short of it,
It's back to work after one more day of relaxing!

And here's the long

My much cherished vacation is coming to an end.  I have one more day before going back to work.  And I have 3 more weeks of radiation treatments.  My medical team keeps telling me that my tiredness and fatigue will become worse and that my skin will continue to get worse.  But I can really tell the difference in the one really bad place on my chest with Dr. Gefter's recommended routine.  I cleanse it carefully, washing only with my fingers not a cloth or anything, using liquid antibacterial soap.  Then I rub a thin layer of 1% hydrocortisone cream into my skin. It's really kept that patch of skin from being sore.  The rest of my skin is dry and reddened, but so far the cornstarch is keeping it from being uncomfortable. My radiation technicians will have to remark me on Monday, because the soap has washed off the big center mark!  I'm sure that will add to my set up time. 

I really seem to have overcome the extreme difficulties of my chemotherapy.  The worst remaining symptom seem to be the neuropathy in my feet.  I took a fall tonight.  There is a step going up from the laundry room into the kitchen, and I misjudged because of my foot and took a fall.  I didn't hurt myself at all, but I'm reminded that I need to be careful!  I'm going to take it slow and easy tomorrow - try to take a nap sometime during the afternoon, so I'll be in good shape for work next week. 

A New Year

So here's the short of it,
I am looking forward to the new year - the new decade.

And here's the long

2010 is here.  In spite of the great difficulties 2009 brought I am moving forward into this new year - new decade - with hope and a full heart.

The real difficult part of my cancer treatments will be done by the end of January.  My doctor seems to think that my strength will begin to return and within 6 weeks, I should be at 70 or 80 %.  By the time the year is half over all the planned treatments so far will be complete and I will be working toward that "survivor" label!  I have been in such good hands during all this treatment.  I could not have found better physicians; my friends, neighbors, and colleagues have been so wonderfully helpful; and my family - even those who are so far away - rallied around me in a way that has brought such strength to me in this difficult time.

Negotiating this year, this next decade, without Dad will be hard. Every day there is something I want to ask him or something I wish he had told me.  I can't begin to imagine how it will be to spend his birthday without him and then all the days - ordinary and other that will follow.  There will be a day when I go to see Mom and Dad's chair is empty and there is not a list for the seed order and the upcoming year's garden plan.  On Valentine's Day instead of him bringing Mom and me red roses, we'll take them to his gravesite.  And on Memorial Day and Veteran's Days we'll remember how proudly he donned his uniform and helmet and went down to the cemetery for the special service.  He was so honored to have the attention of the congressmen, the mayor, and the many younger servicemen who all profusely thanked him for his service.  I've had many people tell me over the last few months, that the missing never goes away, just the intensity of the grieving.  I do feel so extraordinarily privileged to be Gene and Emily's daughter.

 Today, I especially celebrate the scientists and students who work so hard in their laboratories earning far less than they should, and I am so very grateful to be on the receiving end of a new medicine that is the result of that labor.

So I forge ahead.  I expect 2010 to bring healing in so many ways.  I have work that I love and that I believe makes a difference in the world;  I have neighbors, friends, and friends who are like family who bring me so much support and joy; and I have such a wonderful family and extended family who have wrapped me in their love and sustained and comforted me with their constant prayers and communications.

Miracle

So here's the short of it,
 Here's a meditation that has seen me through much of what 2009 has brought.  I will continue to have it where I can see it every morning for 2010.


And here's the long

         Miracle

Do not pray for easy lives; 

     pray to be stronger...

Do not pray for tasks equal to your powers;

     pray for powers equal to your tasks.

Then the doing of your work shall be no miracle, 

     but you shall be a miracle, 

Every day you shall wonder at yourself, 

     at the richness of life which has come to you

     by the grace of God

                                Phillips Brooks