Medicine Adjustment

So here's the short of it,
I'll have a medicine adjustment for my next chemo treatment.


And here's the long

Today I had lab work and a doctor appointment. Have I said often enough how wonderful my oncologist is? Have I said often enough what a wonderful environment that office is.

My blood platelet count is lower than it should be. It is not at a dangerous level, but it is in a downward trend, and my treatment is going to be adjusted. Apparently the carboplatin causes the low platelet count and so Doctor Schlabach is going to adjust the dosage. So I'm guessing that the spots I'm developing on my torso and some on my arms are probably due to the lower platelet count - that's probably the mouth sore origin as well. I wonder if lowering the dosage will help out with some of the other side effects I'm having. We'll see next week!

Shelley and Max are here. He has grown so much! I loved being around him. Alan took him outside and walked around the yard with him for a long time this evening. My brother Russ and niece Elizabeth with her son Elijah are already here. They paid a visit to Papa (my Dad) evening. Elizabeth said that she didn't think anything anyone could have told her would have prepared her for seeing her PaPa that way. I know that having the grandchildren and great grandchildren here will be a really good thing for both my Mom and Dad.

I'm really glad I didn't have a treatment today.

So here's the short of it,
I'm going to sleep in tomorrow!

And here's the long

I'm pretty tired, but I am so grateful for the strength and stamina to have a full day. I probably did too much, but everything I did today was something I really wanted to do! And since I don't have to work tomorrow, I'll just sleep in!

I wasn't having heartburn, so I stupidly stopped taking the medicine I've been prescribed, and it's hit me with a vengeance. Bet I don't stop taking it any more! I've also got the burning hands and feet going on - but tolerable.

Even though I have my chemo postponed until Monday, I still have lab work and an appointment with my oncologist. I'm expecting all good reports.

I'm really looking forward to all the family time this weekend!

Work

So here's the short of it,
Working is hard work!

And here's the long

So, I'm working half days this week. We are on a four day work week so I had to figure out how many hours each day I would have to work to be the equivalent of half days. Done. I decided to go easy and make my half day hours in the middle of the day - reporting late, leaving early. Done. Today I went in - couldn't find time to really break for lunch - and stayed later than I'd intended to. Then I went to Kindred to sit in on a Team Meeting for my Dad's care. By the time I got home, I was really tired!

Maybe because I let myself get so tired, some of my side effects that I hadn't really been feeling this week kicked in. My hands and feet are burning up; I have heartburn; a bit of diarrhea kicked in this afternoon; and I am really spacey. It really snuck up on me. I'm going to work morning only tomorrow. Then get some rest.

This is the weekend for the Howard gathering. I'm looking forward to seeing everyone. Shelley and Max will be here! I haven't seen them except for pictures on her blog since just after he was born. I can hardly wait. I know he's even more in person than in pictures. No, I didn't leave a word out - I really mean just more - more adorable, more cranky, more loveable/huggable, just more of everything than I can even imagine just looking at pictures. They'll be here soon.

I'm also thrilled that my niece Elizabeth and her son Elijah will be staying here at the house with us. We got to know him a bit better the last time we visited and are eager to spend time with them again.

I'm also really eager to get that photo of Elijah, Max, and Madison - the great grandchildren - all together.

I'm so pleased that I can postpone my chemo treatment from Friday until Monday without any bad consequences. That means I really will get an opportunity to enjoy everyone who's here. I couldn't change my doctor's appointment, but that's really just fine.

Forward

So here's the short of it,
Be forewarned - this is a share of one of those mushy e-mail forwards that you get in your in-box from time to time. Read no further if you have no time for this stuff.

And here's the long

This is probably the 3rd or 4th time that this e-mail has made it's way into my inbox. It's mushy and it makes me tear up, but it's like the gong of a cymbal deep in my heart. And I wanted to share.
---------------------------------------------

Our 14 year old dog, Abbey, died last month. The day after she died, my 4 year old daughter Meredith was crying and talking about how much she missed Abbey... She asked if we could write a letter to God so that when Abbey got to heaven, God would recognize her. I told her that I thought we could so she dictated these words: Dear God, Will you please take care of my dog? She died yesterday and is with you in heaven.. I miss her very much. I am happy that you let me have her as my dog even though she got sick. I hope you will play with her. She likes to play with balls and to swim. I am sending a picture of her so when you see her You will know that she is my dog. I really miss her. Love, Meredith We put the letter in an envelope with a picture of Abbey and Meredith and addressed it to God/Heaven. We put our return address on it. Then Meredith pasted several stamps on the front of the envelope because she said it would take lots of stamps to get the letter all the way to heaven. That afternoon she dropped it into the letter box at the post office. A few days later, she asked if God had gotten the letter yet. I told her that I thought He had. Yesterday, there was a package wrapped in gold paper on our front porch addressed, 'To Meredith' in an unfamiliar hand. Meredith opened it. Inside was a book by Mr. Rogers called, 'When a Pet Dies..' Taped to the inside front cover was the letter we had written to God in its opened envelope. On the opposite page was the picture of Abbey &Meredith and this note: Dear Meredith, Abbey arrived safely in heaven. Having the picture was a big help. I recognized Abbey right away. Abbey isn't sick anymore. Her spirit is here with me just like it stays in your heart. Abbey loved being your dog. Since we don't need our bodies in heaven, I don't have any pockets to keep your picture in, so I am sending it back to you in this little book for you to keep and have something to remember Abbey by.. Thank you for the beautiful letter and thank your mother for helping you write it and sending it to me. What a wonderful mother you have. I picked her especially for you. I send my blessings every day and remember that I love you very much. By the way, I'm easy to find, I am wherever there is love. Love, God http://www.snopes.com/glurge/abbey.asp

Back at work

So here's the short of it,
Today was my first day back at work since my surgery in May.

And here's the long

Today I worked a half day - lunch with a dear friend sandwiched between the morning and evening hours. Then Alan and I went to visit Dad who was rather unexpectedly (at least for me) released from Erlanger and went back to Kindred late this afternoon.

I liked being back at work. I am fortunate to work with such wonderful people. And it was so great to see folks. One of my Chemo sisters who is way ahead of me on the journey spent some time giving me advice on managing my symptoms. Thank you Amy! I will have to say that I'm exhausted. And I will have to say also that I didn't get nearly as much done as I had thought I might. I'm going to work another half day tomorrow. I think the way I did it today is the right way - part of my hours in the morning, a break for lunch and then the rest of the hours in the afternoon. I think I was in first gear all day today, and that as I get into the rhythm of work, I'll get back in the productivity mode.

I also have to report that I have a beautiful little puppy lying at my feet snoozing away while I blog. It's a peaceful feeling. And Lola cat is cautiously investigating this new puppy. I think it won't be long before she figures out that Sophie can be a good friend.

Work

So here's the short of it,
I have felt pretty strong today and plan to work 1/2 day tomorrow.

And here's the long

Today I woke with a new puppy in the house! What a great feeling. Our cat Lola, is quite disconcerted, but Sophie is not the least bit interested in the cat as prey. I do think she will want to be friends. Lola has spent so many days perched on the half wall in the living room staring at the place where Suni's bed was, that I know she's lonely. Once she figures out that this puppy is not dangerous and that she can be boss, I think they'll be just fine.

I'm planning to work tomorrow, and I know that because I'm feeling well and stronger I might be tempted to overdo. So I'm going to pace myself and be sure that I don't try to do too much. I'm only working a 1/2 day schedule, but I'm going to achieve that by going in late and leaving early instead of trying to get up early or stay really late. This is the last week we are on a 4 day work week, so I'm pretty sure that the long day would be too much for me. I'll be eager to get into the work at hand and try to get some things set in place before school opening.

I had a "big chemo" treatment scheduled for this coming Friday, but I've rescheduled it for the following Monday. My brothers and their children, as well as Shelley and my grandson Max will be coming in for the weekend and I want to be able to spend some time with them. My blood counts will be up, I'll be pretty strong, and I'll be feeling great. I wanted to wait until the following Friday for the treatment so that I would be able to attend our opening in-service, but getting off schedule by that much is not OK with my oncologist. So the treatment schedule will pretty much guarantee that I won't be able to work at all the week we return to school. I'm really sad about that. I always enjoy the excitement of the first days of returning to school, and another thing that I will count as a loss from this cancer is not being able to participate in that. But I am determined to work when I can and stay connected as much as possible.

Sophie is sleeping at my feet while I blog away - it feels good to have a pup presence in the house.

A New Puppy

So here's the short of it,
We got a puppy today.

And here's the long

I've been feeling better today. I went to the hospital to see Dad. I've been getting a report from my Mom every evening about how he's doing. Today, after not seeing him for two weeks, he looks so much better. His color is better; he has a more peaceful look; and he is growing in strength. Even though his grip is still very weak, I could tell a huge difference.

After we went to the hospital, Alan and I drove up to the Pet Placement Center in Red Bank, a no kill shelter. Our lovely little Suni came from there. Anyway, here's a picture of our girl. She was born on May 5th at the shelter to a dog who is an Australian Blue Heeler with maybe some Border Collie in her. Her Dad must have been a great big guy because she already weighs in at 20 pounds! We got her about 3:30 this afternoon. Right now she and Liga are stretched out on the floor in the den. She is sound asleep like only a tired puppy can be. She hasn't barked yet - wonder if she has a bark. Right now we think she's going to be named Sophie. We'll give it a bit to see if it fits her.

I know some of you must be thinking - why on earth would they want to take on a puppy with everything that's going on at this time. I don't have a real answer just a feeling. All my life I've had this connection with animals. I'd probably be a crazy lady on a farm with 50 cats and dogs and a few chickens and ducks here and there without Alan's more reasonable influence. Anyway, Liga has promised to help out with all the housebreaking tasks and other such the weeks that I am barely housebroken myself! So wish us luck on that!

So here's the short of it,
Another Herceptin Treatment today went well.

And here's the long

My oncology nurse, Lori, is on vacation this week (at the beach with her family) so I missed her, but the other nurses are just delightful. The Herceptin doesn't take so long, so my appointment on these weeks isn't until 3:30. There aren't many people in the infusion room when I arrive, and most of them are gone by the time I'm done. It's only taking about an hour now to do only the Herceptin. It's hard for me to imagine that I'll be doing this every week until next July!

Alan took me for my treatment today, but since my Mom and my sister-in-law Pat were already at Erlanger (they had been waiting with Dad before he went for another surgical procedure) they joined us for most of the treatment. Mom was so exhausted that she sat in one of the big chairs and had a little nap!

My blood counts are just OK today, not good. The white blood count is still under the lower limit, but I'm off house arrest, I just have to be careful. On the side effect note, I'm starting to develop 2 mouth sores. Several of my "cancer sisters" who are further along the treatment pathway than I am warned me that mouth sores could be a part of this. So far they are not so bad, so let's hope... Another side effect that is a bit unexpected - I think my smell is different. Now I'm sure it could be that my smeller is different; after all my taster is definitely out of whack. But no matter which it is, I think I have a different body smell - it's a bit bizarre, like is this really still me?

I am so grateful that Pat has been here this week. She's really helped Mom in so many ways, and even though I wouldn't have been able to be at the hospital anyway, it's been such a relief to know that she's been there with Mom.

Napping

So here's the short of it,
Not feeling so swell today; slept most of the afternoon.

And here's the long

Well, I woke this morning feeling kind of headachy and blah. Ibuprofen made the headache fade a bit, but I still didn't wasn't feeling very well. Now, I was not feeling sick and not fighting chemo symptoms, but I was just feeling fatigued and yucky. By early afternoon, I stretched out on the sofa and faded into a deep nap. By the time I woke up, I still felt about the same. I've kind of just laid around this evening and am planning to go to bed early! I'm hoping tomorrow I'll feel better.

I have a Herceptin treatment tomorrow afternoon. That doesn't take very long, and I don't anticipate a lot of side effects. It does make me have a runny, drippy nose - and I'm developing some nose sores because of that, but right now not so bad compared to everything else. Some time in the future when I'm annoyed about that drippy nose, I hope I remember how minimal it seems to me right now. I'm eager to get my blood counts tomorrow - I'm anticipating that I'll be fine and be able to resume normal activities until my next big chemo.

Mom has been planning a small family get together for next weekend for a long time (since before I was diagnosed, and before Dad's surgery). It will be much smaller than we had originally thought about, just the children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren, but I'm beginning to look forward to that.

So here's the short of it,
Much like my first treatment, I'm beginning to regain my strength and am feeling better in the second week.

And here's the long

It's 12 days since my big chemo treatment and I'm feeling better, gaining strength and stamina, and having that urge to get out and do something. I'm eager to have my blood count this Friday because I feel pretty sure I'll be released from my house arrest status. I'll go directly to see Dad when that happens!

I'm beginning to get my taste back again, even though lots of stuff still tastes different or kind of off. Looks like I'll have a few days to enjoy before that gets zapped with the next big treatment. I also slept better last night than I have in several days - I'm sure that helped me feel stronger today.

My brother Steve and his wife Pat are here today. Steve will go home tomorrow, but Pat will stay for a few days to help Mom do some things around her house. Mom is also going to help her make beet pickles. Visit Mom and Dad's blog for the beet pickle story. My Aunt Joyce is also down for the evening. Alan picked up dinner at a Chinese take out and we went down there for dinner tonight. I walked back home!

Thanks again to everyone of you who have given me your support in so many ways over the last weeks. The knowledge that you are sending good thoughts and prayers sustains me in ways that I cannot even begin to explain.

So here's the short of it,
I have had a good day with more energy than I've had since my last treatment.

And here's the long

My symptoms are managed! Now, that doesn't mean gone, but it means that I'm managing enough that I've had a really good day. This morning, I walked around the circle three times. I'll have to admit that every time around I got slower, and that by the time I got around the third time, I wondered if I'd make it up the front steps, but I did it. I intend to do that again tomorrow!

I also felt good enough to putter around the house a little. Now, one more time do not think I did any major housework - mmmm.....how long since I've done that!! But I did feel good enough to push a broom and a dust cloth around a little.

My Dad had surgery on his pressure sore today. Look at Emily and Gene's Blog for an update on how that's all going. Mom's sister Joyce came down to spend the evening with Mom and they came by for dinner. I had a notion that I might like pizza, something I haven't had for a very long time. So I ordered in and it actually had a bit of taste. Maybe by the beginning of next week, food will start to taste good again for a few days before my next treatment.

One thing that some chemo patients have apparently retained a taste for is the the Sonic slushie. I got a strawberry one the other day - and it was way too sweet - so I put it in my retro vita-mix along with 3X the sonic ice and an equal amount of orange juice to cut the sweetness and then I froze it in small portions. Now it tastes pretty OK, and I've been enjoying that a bit at a time throughout the day today.

I'm looking forward to increased strength and stamina over the next week and a half, and I'm so looking forward to hearing that my blood counts are back up when I go in for my Herceptin on Friday.

So here's the short of it,
I'm on the upward part of this cycle of treatment.
My Dad had to go back to Erlanger this evening.

And here's the long
I'm feeling about the same as I did yesterday, I definitely haven't gone backwards on any symptoms. This really makes me think I'm beginning the upward climb on this cycle. I still have to stay near the bathroom, so I don't even want to go out of the house very far even if I could.

So on my no-no list for the week after my blood counts are down or when I reach the nadir are these things: no going into public places where I may be exposed to contagious diseases; no visits from people who are sick, have just been sick, or have been exposed to a contagious disease; no eating any raw foods; no getting my hands dirty (no pulling weeds, or digging in the garden); and of course that means no visiting my Dad at the hospital. So the first week after my treatment, I'm too sick to even think about doing those things anyway, and the second week I'm on prohibition from doing them. Then in the third week, if everything goes as before, my blood counts should be back up; I should be feeling pretty good, and I'll be off all those prohibitions.

My Dad had to return to Erlanger this evening because of the pressure sore on his back. It has grown and become a concern. The surgeon who has privileges at Kindred is on vacation, and his doctor felt like he needed to have a procedure called debridement. This will happen in the next day or two at Erlanger by someone from the University Surgical Group (same group as my surgeon and Alan's surgeon). We'll keep details posted on Mom and Dad's blog.

In the meantime, I'm looking forward to a little better day tomorrow.

Feeling Better and Hair

So here's the short of it,
I'm feeling better, and here's another hair story.

And here's the long

In general, I'm on the upward curve again. Today has been a better day than yesterday, which was a better day than the day before, and so on. I still don't have lot's of energy or stamina, and haven't accomplished much today. Of course, another of the lessons I think I'm supposed to be learning is that I don't have to accomplish something every day. There are lots of days that just being is all that I can manage.

For the last several days, my buzz cut hair has been falling out in amazing amounts. It was better than the longer stuff, but uncomfortable when it fell down my blouse or onto my neck. I've got two of the "cancer bald" spots right where my horns normally are! The rest of it I shaved off in the shower this morning. It was really interesting - when I shaved, lots of the hair came out as though the razor pulled it out by the roots. Anyway, we'll see what happens next in the hair saga.

Tomorrow, is my normal report back to work day, but my blood counts are too low to be going out. So, I'll tackle that problem tomorrow. I don't have enough stamina to work a full day right now anyway, but I know everything will fall into place.

Turning the corner from this treatment

So here's the short of it,
I've turned the corner and have felt pretty good today.

And here's the long

Well, I could tell as I began to wake this morning, that I was going to have a better day. And that has been the case. I have still wanted to be very near the bathroom, but I've had enough energy to putter around in the kitchen, and walk outside to see Alan a couple of times. (He was working on cleaning out the garage.) And as my oncology nurse says, I'm managing my symptoms.

My taster is still out of whack! This morning after I woke up I thought to myself - wow, french toast would sure taste good for breakfast. Now, I should have thought brunch considering the hour. But I had enough energy to beat up an egg and dip a piece of bread. Anyway, I made it and it tasted so much like nothing! I was really disappointed. How could I have forgotten last time. There is a good lesson for me in this all. I've always been a person who loves food and turns to food in good times and bad. What better way to celebrate, or to share your worries with a friend than over a great meal. So one of the lessons I can take from this is that in this time when I need nurturing more than ever - food isn't going to do that for me. Mom made dinner at her house tonight and I drove down there and the two of us had a nice visit before she went down to Kindred for the night. The visit was wonderful and just as nurturing as the food might have been in another time.

I felt so much better that after dinner I went out for a walk around our circle. Our across the circle neighbors, the Hall's, were just coming into the circle from their own walk and I had the opportunity to actually visit with someone outside the family for a bit. What a nice way to end the evening. I took an extra turn around the circle with Jeannie walking with me and could really tell how my stamina has decreased this past week.

It's kind of hard to keep reminding myself, since I started feeling better that I'm not supposed to go out or really be around folks very much. "House Arrest", is what I've jokingly called it. I think that might turn out to be not so much a joke before this is all over!

Maybe a Better Tomorrow

So here's the short of it,
Not such a good day after all.


And here's the long

Well, yesterday, I was just sure that I was experiencing all the signs of a better day coming. Boy, was I wrong! From about 6 this morning until nearly 11, I was either in the bathroom, the bed, or taking medicine. The bug man was coming today, and I wanted to be out of bed and dressed when he got here so I got a shower and started to get dressed - then that nausea that's been "just at the edge of my consciousness" hit me hard. I had tried to drink a strawberry glucerna (a diabetic instant breakfast option) and got down about 1/2 before I got in the shower. Well, it didn't stay down long at all.

The rest of the afternoon I was dressed but on the sofa in the den - really near the back bathroom. I took nausea medicine and sucked on ice. At one point I thought I'd drink some propel, but that was not a good idea.

Alan took me to my Herceptin treatment this afternoon and Mom met us there. My wonderful oncology nurse said "next time that happens, just call us and come in early, we'll get you taken care of". She gave me some nausea medicine through my port - they call it "pushing" - when they inject through the port instead of dripping. By the time I was finished with the drip, I was feeling well enough to eat a couple of saltines.

This evening I felt well enough to have a boiled egg, and I'm optimistic that tomorrow will be better. My blood counts are way down again, so I have to be really careful about exposing myself to any possible bad stuff. I'm also scheduled to go back to work on Monday. I'll have to figure that one out on Monday morning when I see how I feel and where I might be able to work in an isolated place.

My Mom and Dad's great little companion, Mollie Blue, died this morning. She could no longer walk and was not eating. Her congestive heart failure had filled most of her lungs. Mom went to the vet's office where Mollie spent the night, and held her while she was euthanized. She brought her home and buried her in a grave that Patrick, my nephew, had made ready. I know this was such a difficult decision for Mom, but I think she was very clear headed about how impossible it would be to care for Mollie, while spending the time she needs to take care of Dad's needs. I am quite sad about it as well. Sometimes it seems as if the whole landscape of my life is changing like a time lapse video.

Wanting to feel better

So here's the short of it,
I'm eager to feel better!

And here's the long

Today - maybe could be described as on the cusp of something better. I've been really lazy. It's still hard to look at words or try to do any work except in my head. I still found that I really don't want to be too far from the house, and I have a yucky queasiness that's just at the edge of my consciousness. But on the whole I'm much improved! I can't wait for those days that I remember feeling lots better!

I'm hungry, and starting to want things to eat - but I know better! I know they will absolutely NOT taste like the food I am craving, and I'll be sorry. So I'm not eating any of the things I want - it's a really weird feeling.

I have a Herceptin treatment tomorrow afternoon. I should tolerate it quite well. So far I've noticed mainly a very drippy nose and fatigue as the side effects. It doesn't require me to screw up my courage quite as much either! I'll get a reading on my blood counts when I go in for my treatment. I'm going to ask about whether or not there's anything I can take that will make it safer for me to be out and about when my counts are down.

My Mom and Dad's sweet little dog Mollie's health is rapidly fading. She is at the vet's office overnight for some evaluation. She is such a great little dog and has been such a wonderful pet for them. I'm very sad.

Today I am particularly grateful for Donna's chicken soup/stew recipe...

Early Morning Blues

So here's the short of it,
This morning I was giving serious thought to making a pallet in the bathroom!

And here's the long

This morning about 4:30 I thought it might be a good idea to just make a pallet in the bathroom and stay right there! I didn't - and by about 6:00 this morning, after more medicine, and lots of hope, I was back in my bed with my fingers wrapped around my "beach rosary" drifting off to a bit more sleep. Once waking, I've tried to stay "low and slow" for most of the day.

I have been tired today, but better than yesterday. It's funny, but when I walk it feels like I'm in a pool, walking through the water. I guess that's just the fatigue? I anticipate that I'm on the upward swing now. I did try working some today on a project that uses a spread sheet, and discovered that looking at the computer screen made me nauseous. (I do the blog by just not looking at what I'm typing.) I also can't read very much without getting nausea - so since I don't have much energy, I've been channel surfing between the Food Network and HGTV. I get so hungry - but I know that none of those dishes would taste anything like my imagination.

I am so grateful for all those of you who are keeping me close in your thoughts and prayers. I believe that I'm blessed beyond all imagination with the kind of support that I've been experiencing.

Still Managing!

So here's the short of it,
Another day close to home managing side effects.

And here's the long

I haven't been sleeping all day like I did yesterday, but I have stayed really close to the house (make that bathroom) as I work on managing my diarrhea! I am so much better than after the first big chemo treatment and I am so grateful for that. I know exactly what to take and how soon to take it. I'm learning to rely on the BRAT diet (bananas, rice, applesauce, and toast) and a recipe for fluff that my oncology nurse gave me. She actually called another patient for the recipe last Friday while I was having my treatment! My nausea has pretty much abated. There is just a hint of it around - just enough to make me feel yucky, but nothing like before. I'm also dealing with lots of gas - the burping variety. It's so charming! I do have something to take for that as well, but it doesn't entirely keep it subdued.

I've not eaten much for two days - I'm trying to make sure that I get plenty to drink - they'll check my electrolytes Friday along with all the other blood work they do - but I feel like I'm doing OK in that regard. I am managing popsicles along with the BRAT stuff, as well as other liquids.

I have tried to do some work off and on today, but it makes me a bit woozy to look at the computer screen - here's hoping tomorrow will be a better day for getting one more little piece done.

So here's the short of it,
Well, I was down for the count!

And here's the long

Yesterday morning, I started to feel nauseous so I took the nausea medicine, and I slept all day until about 5 o'clock or so. I was up for several hours and then back to bed for the night - and I slept all night.

So except for dreaming strange dreams about school start up and sleeping there's not much going on here. I'm not going to do much of an entry today because working on the computer isn't seeming to help my condition very much.

Managing Better

So here's the short of it,
I'm managing better this time! -- so far.

And here's the long

My most dreaded side effect (so far) is back! Yes, the diarrhea. I thought I was keeping it at bay with the first medicine, but this morning, it hit. I immediately began the secondary medicine routine that I learned the last time, and so far, so good. Now, that doesn't mean I'm in normal condition, but so far compared to last time, much better!

I did nap a good bit of the afternoon today - I'm hoping I will sleep tonight. I sure don't want to get my days and nights mixed up. I'm optimistically thinking that I'll have a better time of it in the next few days than I did after my first treatment.

The thoughts and prayers of family and friends and friends who are like family are bolstering my spirits and helping me to weather this!

So here's the short of it,
The anti-nausea medicine made me sleepy today.


And here's the long.

I felt a bit queasy this morning even after taking my big anti-nausea medicine, so I followed orders and took another one of the meds for anti-nausea. It made me sleepy for most of the day. I wasn't in that awful dark sleep as before, but nevertheless, I slept on the sofa most all day today.

Mom called and woke me on her way home from the hospital this evening to let me know she was stopping by to check on me. It roused me from my sleeping and I've been somewhat awake for the last hour or so. Even though I hardly remember my conversation with Mom, but I'm glad she woke me! I'll have to get her to repeat most of what she told me later.

So far the only other side effects besides the queasiness are burning feet and my taste beginning to fade. I'm hoping that each time gets easier! Please know that I feel your prayers, love, and support through all of this.

Another One Down!

So here's the short of it,
I've finished 1/3 of my "big" chemo treatments!

And here's the long

Today was my 2nd of 6 of the "big" chemo treatments. That means I've finished a third of those treatments. I will have them completed by my birthday and I think that will be a great thing to celebrate.

It went a bit faster today. I got there at 11:00 and was all done by just a little after 3:00. Today, Alan and Liga went with me - Liga stayed until a little after 2:00 when she had to leave for work. The treatment made me sleepy again, so at one point Liga (who got up earlier than her regular getting up time) stretched out with me in the chair and we took a nap together. That was a very sweet time for me. Another time you can imagine me in a recliner with my feet up on an ottoman, and Liga and Alan in chairs facing me with their feet up on the ottoman too. That was another very cozy, nice feeling.

So far tonight I'm not having lots of side effects. I can feel that fatigue coming on that doesn't have anything to do with the way I've always gotten tired before! I'm having some hot flashes and chills - I've dubbed my big black sweater my chemotherapy sweater and it's just the thing. I wear it in the treatment center, and I'm wearing it around the house when I have a chill. I am just a tad headachey, and the bottom of my feet are on fire again! But I promise, nothing is so bad. I feel really lucky that I still feel so great tonight.

Alan's nephew, David and his wife Deborah, and their two sons Noah and Evan are in town, and I felt well enough to go have dinner and a visit with them this evening. It was so nice! I got a good spirtual uplift. Evan who is now four went through chemotherapy treatment for lymphoma, so it gave me great courage to face the days ahead to see him racing around and playing.

So tonight I'm very thankful to Alan and Liga for being with me today during my treatment. And I'm thankful for getting to see so much family over the last few days. I'm very thankful that I had a week when it was really OK for me to go see Dad without worrying about my immunity.

So here's the short of it,
My next big treatment is tomorrow.

And here's the long

Well tomorrow I have another "big chemo treatment" - the triple dose of Taxotere, Carboplatin, and Herceptin. I've had a great week, culminating in a very busy and good day today. I've been out of the house almost all day long, and am just arriving home at a little before ten. I have that sweet weariness that comes from being engaged and busy in the world (instead of that awful tiredness that comes from inactivity and sickness).

I had a good visit with Dad today. He's such an inspiration to me - he has such a good spirit; he's patient; and he is working so diligently at the tasks that are presented for him to work on. I am trying to have that attitude about the things that will be on my plate! I'll stay away from him after tomorrow as my blood counts will start going down and I won't really know when they will reach the point that I shouldn't be in a hospital. That's very frustrating for me.

I have to say that I'm somewhat anxious about the treatment tomorrow... actually it's not the treatment. Last time, I did just fine on the day of the treatment and the next day...I'm just trying to steel myself for the next days coming. As my sister-in-law reminded me, I've got some more tools in my arsenal, and I know what to expect and how to tackle it at the first sign, so I think I can manage better with this round. I've also heard several people say that the rounds get easier as time goes by. That's sure hopeful.

Prayers of all varieties are solicited and accepted.

Family and looking forward to a bit of normalcy

So here's the short of it,
It's nice to think that through the course of treatment, I can look forward to so many good days in a row.

And here's the long
Today has been another good day.

My Dad's baby sister, my Aunt Mary and her daughter close to my age, my cousin Lynda, drove down from Harlan, KY to visit Dad, so I got a chance to have a good visit with the two of them. My mother's two sisters are here as well. Aunt Frances has been here for a few days, and Aunt Joyce arrived this evening. It's always good to visit with them. I'm enjoying the opportunity to visit with Dad and am not looking forward to the next two weeks after my next chemo when I will be on limitations about seeing him again. He's making good progress in the few days that he's been at Kindred. Check out his progress at Emily and Gene's blog. He laughed when I told him that I put Mom's name first since we are both girls!

Tomorrow I'm going to go in to work for a little bit. I'm looking forward to going in - this is the longest I've been away from work for a good many years.

We've started talking about getting a puppy or a dog. There's this orange cat in the neighborhood who likes to harass our Lola girl (current, very beautiful tortie cat girl). Anyway, he's gotten decidedly bold since we don't have a dog, and tonight for the second time, he came all the way into our back yard and tried to come through the pet door. Liga and I tried to get him with a water squirter, but really didn't get him.

I'm starting to think I can manage this chemo treatment after all if I can have as many good days in a row as I've had this time!

Tomato Tree

So here's the short of it,
Another good day, but tired!


And here's the long

Another day of not doing much. I'm not feeling any side effects with any intensity, but I'm tired. I know that inactivity leads to tiredness, and I'm sure some of my lack of stamina is coming from the long time when I just didn't feel like doing anything. But what I did do today was stay in the house all day long. Now that the sun is down, I'll go outside and water my tomato tree! My Dad and Mom made me two of those topsy turvy tomato planters, and my dear husband, Alan, erected a 4x4 and put planter hooks to hold them - so it really looks a bit like a tomato tree! Dad reminded me just the other day that they take a whole lot of watering. It looks like I'll have a few ripe ones coming in next week. I'll give those away unless Alan and Liga want to eat them, because I won't be able to taste them, but I'm hoping there'll be a few ripe ones when my taster comes back! Several people who have been on this chemotherapy journey before me, have told me not to eat things that I really like while my taster is off, because they'll be "ruined".

Oh, another interesting thing to report on is our lovely Lola (the cat). From the get-go she has been Alan's cat and when he's not around she prefers the kids. I've always been her last resort - even though I'm the one who feeds her, takes care of her litter box, and all the other stuff.. well in the last month or so, she has decided that she needs to help take care of me. Sometimes she'll check on me when I'm napping and curl up behind my legs and nap with me. I'm sure part of it is that she misses her friend Suni. But, I'm thinking that maybe she knows I need some companionship as well!

Tomorrow we'll have visitors for Dad - aunts and a cousin from Harlan, Kentucky. It's good for Dad and I'll be glad to have an opportunity to visit.

Side Effects

So here's the short of it,
I'm feeling good again today, but let me tell you about some of the side effects of my medicine cocktail!

And here's the long

It's hard for me to believe that I'm feeling so good. I was tired enough to sleep in a little this morning, but I've had good energy today and didn't really get too tired until about 4:30 this afternoon. Of course, I'm not working or really doing any hard labor. But I am up and moving around. I will say that about 4:30 I started to feel like I was trying to walk through water.

My Dad was moved from Erlanger to Kindred Hospital this afternoon. They specialize in ventilator weaning, and I am very hopeful that this move will bring the possibility of greater recovery. Alan and I went for a visit after he got settled in. The move made him awfully tired, but it was easy to tell that he was glad to be moved. Mom is spending the night with him. Check out his progress on Emily and Gene's blog.

Maybe this would be a good post to describe some of the crazy side effects of my medicines!

About a week ago, the bottoms of my feet and the palms of my hands started to burn. Now it wasn't all the time, but there would be periods of time that I thought I knew what those guys that walk on live coals must feel. Then last Wednesday night, I got up about four times to go and stand on the cool tile floor of the den! When I told my oncology nurse, she said it was the beginning of neuropathy and I got sent home with a prescription to help with that.

About the same time as my feet and hands started to burn, I began to have horrible heartburn in the evenings. I started to take some over the counter acid reducers and they helped some, but after my appointment last week, I came home with a prescription for that too!

I still have to take one medicine to control diarrhea! And I would guess that after my big treatment this coming Friday, I may have to take all three of them again.

I think one of the reasons I've felt so good for the last two or three days, is that my taste is returning a little. From my first treatment, food has either not had much taste (tomatoes just were like a mushy texture in my mouth with no taste at all) or things that I used to like just had a horrible taste.

My hair is now buzzed, but of course it's still falling out. At least now it's not long hair falling all over the place! It's funny on reflection, that I referred to my short hair as long from this buzz cut place I'm in! I do notice that I'm not accustomed to the breeze blowing across my bare head. It makes me feel a little chillier some times. My Mom has cautioned me to be careful not to get my head sunburned.

This is an interesting symptom, I think - I have always had some ear wax. As my daughter Liga used to say, I needed to "wax out" my ears from time to time. Well, it appears that I'm not really producing much ear wax now! Isn't that a strange thing.

I have some red dots showing up on my skin. A couple of them are on my face, but they are mostly on my arms and legs. I haven't seen this listed on any of the medication side effects lists. I'll be sure to ask about it on Friday when I go in for my next treatment.

And of course my fatigue, my low blood counts that put me on house arrest, and any other odd sensations I have from time to time can probably be attributed to the two big meds.

My next treatment, this coming Friday, is one of the "big" ones. I'll get Taxotere, Carboplatin, and Herceptin. As I recall, the most noticeable side effects the first time were flu-like symptoms, diarrhea, and an incredible fatigue. I'm hoping that each time I have one of these the side effects get a little easier.

In the meantime, I've got a few more days where I'm anticipating feeling really good.

A Good Day.

So here's the short of it,
I've had a really good day!

And here's the long

I've felt really good again today. What a gift to wake up with enough energy to think about actually doing something! I went to a late breakfast with my dear friend, Moggie . . . and then we ventured over to Barnes and Nobles to look for kids books. It was fun; we both found more books than we should have, and I found a book for children that ended up being a great book for me! It's called Tear Soup. It's a book about grieving and I just loved it - I guess I'm in the middle of making Tear Soup for several reasons, and I guess, yes, it takes a little longer than I thought it might.

This afternoon I got to see my great niece Madison Claire. Her Mom and Dad wanted to stop and see Papa (my Dad) on their way home from Florida via Atlanta. Since Madison couldn't go to the hospital, she stayed with MaMa (my Mom) and I went down and visited as well. I also had a short visit with Madison's Mom and Dad, my niece Lauren and her husband Ryan. It was such a nice visit.

I'm looking forward to having several more good days! I may actually plan to do some small thing around the house!

Hair and Governments

So here's the short of it,
My hair is gone.

And here's the long

Well, all that mess of hair falling out everywhere is gone! Valdis wasn't able to make it, and Liga was out of sorts this morning, so I just sat on the patio and cut it off. Alan helped me make sure it was even in the back. I suppose that I could certainly have waited a few more weeks before the big shave, but I just thought that watching it fall out every time I shampooed or touched my head would be more emotional than just shaving it off now - and also such a mess. So it's gone.

I'll have to admit, it looks awfully strange to see my bald self looking back from the mirror. My Mom and younger brother stopped by late this morning to see how it looks, and Mom commented that she always did think I had a beautiful head. Steve suggested that I talk to Ryan, his son-in-law who went through chemotherapy the summer before he and Lauren were married, to find out how to take care of a bald pate!

I've had such a good day today - especially in terms of my energy! I felt strong enough to visit Dad at Erlanger again. It's good to be able to see him.

I'm watching the Capitol 4th Celebration on television. How incredibly amazing it is to think about that time in the world when people began to believe that government derived it's just powers from the consent of the governed. What an amazing and revolutionary idea, and how wonderful that our forefathers and mothers birthed that concept into the world on this continent!

Hair Today and Gone Tomorrow

So here's the short of it,
My hair started falling out today!

And here's the long

This morning in the shower as I was washing my hair, I noticed a small handful of hair as I rinsed. Later in the morning, my scalp started to be itchy and kind of hurting a little - now not really painful, just a weird achy kind of feeling.

About mid- morning, I ran my hand through my hair and !wow! it was just full of hair. All day long, it's been coming out in clumps every time I touch it. It's probably not noticeable to anyone else, except of course all of my family that I've been around have had to hear me say, "Look at this, isn't this really weird!" Several of you who have walked this path ahead of me, told me that once it starts to come out, I'd probably want to go ahead and cut it. You are right! I can't imagine going for days on end having it falling out all over everything! It will be better to just get it cut.

When I first learned that I would have to have chemotherapy - the kind that makes you lose your hair - I talked to the kids about it. Liga didn't want to cut my hair. Valdis, on the other hand, said he'd return the favor. See, every summer for years, he couldn't wait for it to get warm enough for a buzz cut and I kept it really nice and short for him until school started. So I have an appointment with my buzz cutter tomorrow morning between 9 and 9:30. And by now, Liga has decided that she'll help out.

I'm not sad about this (yet). It just feels really strange that my hair is coming out in clumps. Actually in one way I'm really grateful for this sign that the chemo drugs are doing their work. They are killing all my rapidly dividing cells. Since they are killing my hair cells I'm guessing that they are killing any renegade cancer cells that may have escaped the surgeon's knife as well. Now that's a really good thought.

I'm pretty clear by this time, that one of the lessons I'm supposed to learn from all this is that no matter what I think, I really don't have any control over very much at all. That has certainly been very clear today!

Failure to Blog

So here's the short of it,
I haven't even opened the blog for eight days, and haven't blogged for nine days.

And here's the long

Well, it's been nine days since I wrote, or even wanted to write anything on the blog. On several days I told myself that I was going to blog. First I'd tell myself I'd do it in the late morning, then after lunch, then before dinner, then after dinner, then late - before I went to bed. Even when I felt well enough to open the computer and check e-mail, I wouldn't open the blog. The whole day would pass with one excuse and then another about why I wasn't blogging. By about day four, I knew that there was more to this than I was really understanding, but it was only yesterday sometime that I really sorted through what's been keeping me from the blog.

I've never minded my family and friends and friends who are like my family knowing even the smallest details of what's happening to me. I started the blog because it is just emotionally exhausting to tell the story over and over again, and I thought that blogging would be a way to share my journey with those who have, over the years, offered me such amazing support as I've faced other difficulties. And I have been on the receiving end in that regard - the support in the form of e-mails, blog comments, and cards has been remarkable. And each of you should know that all of those moments have given me strength and have bolstered my courage to face the next day.

So if all that's true, what was keeping my fingers from the keyboard? When I write the blog, I am sharing with you what lies deep in my heart. I've tried not to spare my fears, my hopes, or my sadness. As I write this now, I have tears and a hole as big as Kansas in my heart - for my Dad and my Mom as she faces this next chapter in their lives together, for my sweet dog, Suni, who I miss so much, and for my body's betrayal of me.

Now I know that cancer is not really a betrayal. And I know that the side effects of the chemotherapy are to be expected. But, when I was bed bound for days, and hardly able to walk to the bathroom, and had that unrelenting diarrhea, I felt like the strong body that I've depended on for all my life had absolutely betrayed me. I thought of all the women over the years who I've seen show up to work with the chemotherapy bald head and wondered how it was that they had been able to keep on going. I remembered our colleague, Dr. Lloyd, who year before last scheduled his chemotherapy for Friday afternoons so he could be at work on Monday, and who told his wife as he left for work each day, that of course he had to be at work, this was Dr. Lloyd's opus. And I wrestled with the self-image of Lynn as someone who would not be able to be strong. I'm still wrestling with this.

Then last week, my blood counts went down for the first time, and I jokingly told people that I was on house arrest. But that wasn't the worst of it. The week I started chemo, I didn't go see Dad because I made the decision that it wouldn't be the wisest environment for me to be in. The second week, I didn't go because my blood counts were low and I was told not to go. And the rest of the precautions just compounded it all. It was a joke, but it was an awful joke. House arrest - no digging in the dirt (read no gardening whether you ever did or not), no eating raw vegetables (of course you never want anything more than when you can't have it, salad please), and no being around any crowds or in places to be exposed to germs (all those times I griped about grocery shopping, can't I just go to Bi-Lo when there won't be many people there).

So the blog...... I couldn't write. I couldn't or maybe didn't want to confront those awful feelings and the sadness by dealing with it in a narrative from my heart.

I think, today, that I'll blog more or less regularly. But that is not a blog promise.

Thank you to each of you for your support and love.